Party like an Aspie

     A child going to a wedding is an instant target for being patted on the head and asked lots of small talk questions.  Generally, aside from the pat on the head I think most children like attention from adults.  However small talk and my daughter, not so much.  We were going to see lots of family that we hadn't seen in several years.  My daughter is nine now and I knew that she would be expected to make small talk.  She has been practicing conversation in her social skills group and I had no doubt that she could pull it off.  I also knew that for her, it was going to totally drain her of energy. 

   The wedding consisted of lots of pre-wedding festivities and post-wedding festivities.  My extroverted, neurotypical self was drained and exhuasted be the end of it.  However, I am getting ahead of myself. 
I am writing this for myself as a reflection, but also for others who might fear talking their aspie child to such huge events.   I believe we want to share our children with the family that we love, but we also want to protect them from being overwhelmed and drained, or having a meltdown and embarrassing us..  I have had events in the past where I believe my daughter suffered due to my lack of understanding of what she is going through.  Now that she is older and able to verbalize, and now that I have read books on Aspergers I have a better understanding of the struggles she has in these situations and so my hope was to give her just enough of the experience to gain some social skills but not so much that she overloaded.   I'm not sure if I was totally sucessful but I tried. 

   The first thing I did was explain what would be expected of her, and of my son.  I knew that the ceremony would be fairly easy for her as she has no trouble sitting and listening.  For my son, the sensory seeker we went over his list of compression activities that he could do and much to my delight he did them on his own, silently during the ceremony (I also bribed him with chocolate.) I am thankful it wasn't a Catholic wedding with a Mass!  It was nice and short and lovely. 

During the many parties and reception we stayed outside, despite the Texas heat.  The world isn't as overwhelming for my daughter outdoors.  She lasted much longer than she would have inside with voices echoing loudly off the walls and people bumping into her on every side.  We did however give her and my son a mission to have a short conversation with three people of their choosing before going off to play. 
After a good amount of time playing outside I could see the overloaded look in my daughters eyes.  This happend at two of the parties.  In both I searched out an empty room and quickly snuck her off to it.  Even being around me at that point is overwhelming and so she choose to be alone in the peaceful room.  One of the times she had a coloring book, the other just a pillow. 

   I think a couple years ago I would have felt too awkward sneaking my child off into a deserted room.  I would have left the party early, or dealt with a meltdown.  I have learned that I need to take care of my needs, and those of the rest of my family as well.  I wanted to stay at the party, and she needed space.  Although it's a bit unconventional it really was the best option.  It is what my child needed.  If I had a infant and asked for a silent place for my baby to nap nobody would have thought twice.  I had a few people ask where my daughter had went, and when I told them I got a couple looks of confusion, and a couple looks that seemed like that person would also like to escape from the loud chatter. 

We need to not be afraid to protect our children, but we also need to not be afraid to expose our children to things that are difficult for them.  Finding a balance is what they will need to do when they become adults, if we can give them a taste of that now it will be easier when it's their turn to lead.