MacGyver Goes To Support Group

After my discovery of the fact that actually I am stressed and not doing fantastic I have decided to take yet another step toward taking care of myself.  See, I read that parenting a child with ASD can lead to the parent having PTSD.  Like a soldier who went to Iraq, I could develop post traumatic stress disorder?  It was hard to believe, but then again, when you are constantly diffusing "bombs" in your family and on the lookout for the next possible explosion then maybe in some ways it is the same.  It does feel like life and death when you are in the middle of it.  For some parents, it really is life and death.  I feel like I have it pretty easy, but at the same time, it can be so hard.   I love my kids, so so much, but I decided it was time to try out the parent support group for parents with kids on the spectrum.

Last year I went to a parent support group at school a few times when I was feeling particularly frazzled.  It was clear quickly that while the people were lovely and kind, they just had no idea what I was going through.  There problems were real and true, but so different that it just made me feel more alone.   I stopped going and went back to husband,  prayer, and my bible study as my support.  My bible study group is amazing, they are the best listeners and so encouraging.  We laugh together, cry together, and best of all, pray together.   When we go on breaks I miss it, and when it's Thursday morning I put everything aside to be there. I also recognize that I needed more time to talk about parenting things and I really need people with children like mine who had been there, or were there currently, and maybe even some who were just beginning that I could help.  

Last night I went to my first meeting, and of course I can't give details but I will say that it felt so right.  They served me herbal tea and when I said how I felt they nodded along as if I was telling their own story.  When they did tell their stories it was so clear that I wasn't alone, and that there are beautiful amazing things about our children too, and we can celebrate those and laugh about the hard stuff and release it.  

Releasing things is the answer, to be there in the worst moments for my children, and then to release it when it's over.  Breath in the new and enjoy the moment I am in when I am in those good moments.  There are so many good moments that can go unseen if I'm still holding the anxiety of the last explosion.  If the bomb has been diffused then it's time to smile at the sunshine and breath deep.  

Notice MacGyver, he isn't holding on to that stress!

This group is going to do me lots of good.  I never felt I really needed it this much before but it's clear that the toxins were building and it's time to have a place outside my home to help me let them go.    

Put Your Mask On

Earlier this year I attended a workshop in craniosacral therapy and found it to be totally amazing.  If I try to describe it then I sound like a crazy person but long story short, it rocks!  I've been wanting to take my kids in for a session every since.  Last week, after a month long waiting list, we finally got my son in.  See, I had heard it can help with SPD.  I love my boy's energy, his enthusiasm, and his amazing insights on life.  I also see his struggles and frustrations as he tries to control himself and finds that he is lacking in impulse control.  Everyone has struggles, and on this earth we are meant to struggle.  It's just that he struggles so much more than the average kid and so  I made the appointment to see if life could get a little bit easier for him. (I will update on how it worked another time.)

The session went well, I have never seen him so zen calm except when he is sleeping.  He would also have times when he would start stretching and flexing his limbs and give deep sighs, then back to total calm.  It was very interesting for me to watch and at the end of the session the CST told him that things should get a little easier.   Then he said "Mom, I think you need to get up here now."  I wasn't expecting it but I was happy for the offer.

So, pretty much instantly he said  that he needed to work on my adrenals.  Then, he asked me to drop all the things I was holding that were not serving my highest.  I don't know if he meant God, but that is how I heard it and thought, yes, why am I holding all these things?  Worries don't serve my Highest, and I realized that I was holding a lot more than I even knew.  I dropped them one by one with each breath.
I will still need to make sure I don't try to pick them back up again, I'm helpful like that.

My session was wonderful in ways I'm not really sure how to describe so again I will just say that CST rocks!   The most interesting part of my session was that word, adrenals.  When he said that my brain was like "ah ha!"  Other then meaning stress I wasn't sure what they did exactly.  Later that day I did some research.  Turns out they are affecting much more of my life then I knew.

I found an article on adrenal function or rather dysfunction that described my life pretty perfectly.
Get up, drink coffee... coffee...tired so...coffee.  Also, too busy for breakfast, scarf down something at 11 maybe, forget to eat again until I am starving at dinner time.    Most likely the afternoon coffee also has a high sugar item to boost me back out of zombie mode...you get the picture
What I learned was that when you are hungry your body goes into fight or flight mode, so if you already have a busy life and maybe your children spike your adrenalin multiple times a day, it really is best to avoid getting hungry.   Add to that a few cups of joe and you have a recipe for cortisol overload.

This constant state of "fight or flight" leads to a lower immune system, allergies (I've had tons recently for the first time in my life,) memory problems, and many other things.  It seems though that this is the normal and expected state of almost every american parent.

Now, I can't get rid of the stress of a meltdown from one of my children but I think I can remember to eat.  I'm actually programming my phone to remind me for the next week so I get in the habit (memory problem.)
I can  also do a better job  avoiding sugar when I'm feeling hungry or tired. I'm not giving up coffee completely but at least for now I'm going to not drink it after my morning brew.  I'm letting my body be able to feel reality, and if it's telling me go to bed at 8:30 then I probably should.  I will catch up on New Girl some other time.

So far, this not having coffee in the afternoon is leaving me yawning at soccer practice, and realizing I want to go to bed between 8:30-9:30 instead of my usual 11:30-12.  Also, because I didn't pump myself with caffeine, I get to do something about it.  I get to sleep! I don't feel like having a glass of wine to wind down, because I've been winding down since 4 o'clock.
I shared on Facebook that without my afternoon coffee I had uncovered that I was exhausted and needed to go to bed early.  I thought that if I got any reply it would be something to the tune of "way to go!" or "I need to sleep more too."  Nope!  I was met with encouragement to drink more coffee.

Why are we so against slowing down and resting?  I don't understand why we feel we must be busy and peppy to be successful mothers.  While I don't understand it, I do feel it.    There is a mom at the school who if you compared her with other parents,  looks like she is high.  I mean, not really, she doesn't have the glassy red eyes.  But she seems to be in this sleepy sort of state that after I thought about it today, I think is just what the dictionary would call RELAXED and not jacked up on caffeine.  She walks slower, talks slower, and has a presence of calm. Now what if, that mom is going at NORMAL speed and we are all racing on hyper speed.   I fear that is the case.  We need to learn from her!

Wouldn't it be great if we aimed for relaxed, balanced, healthy american, instead of super human, coffee chugging, task juggling, sick american?  What if instead of saying to that other mom how normal it is to be exhausted, what if instead we gave her tips to be less exhausted, or offered to swap childcare so we could both take a nap or get a massage?  Let's get creative and change the expectations.

Lets dare to slow down and take care of ourselves.  As the flight attendant says, "Put your mask on first and then assist your child."  We need to breath, we need to eat, we need to value our needs instead of sweeping them to the side.   If my child wanted to skip breakfast there is no way I would let that happen.  I would lecture them about how the body needs energy, the brain needs food to think, not to mention them feeling grumpy on an empty stomach.   So, why should I let myself off so easily?  Let's put our masks on, and that "oxygen" will make us better parents.