The Weight of Mercy? Part 1

this was written several weeks ago and has been sitting in my draft folder as I explore this deeper.  Part 2 coming soon
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"My Yolk is easy and my burden is light."

If that is true then I am doing it wrong.  I have been born with the gift of mercy and it seems the closer I grow to Jesus the more I'm feeling the weight of it.   I looked for some books or articles on how to deal with this spiritual gift but most of what I found was "mercy is so great! woo hoo!"  That was not what I was looking for.  I found secular views of this gift, they tend to call it empathy and being an empath means you feel the pain and emotion of others.  They suggest shutting people out and not embracing the gift but rather sheltering yourself from it.   This doesn't feel right either.  If you are given a gift it seems a shame not to use it.  Why are we here on this earth if not to love and give?

I've been searching the Word and praying for a way to be helpful but not so affected.  See, when I walk in a room I can feel the emotional energy of everyone, and people are drawn to me like magnets to share their worries and uncertainties.  I am drawn to them too, drawn to sit and to listen, drawn to pray.  What I think I haven't been doing is releasing it after I am done.  If the burden is supposed to be light then perhaps I am holding too much of it on my own.   I also used to think of that verse as "My burden is light (the light of Jesus)" that divine spark can be a burden to those who glow,  but now I'm thinking I had it wrong.

Why isn't anyone one writing and talking about this?  I surely cannot be the only one who feels knots in the stomach, headaches, stress, anxiety, and can sometimes actually take on the symptoms of those I am caring for.
   One  blog I read said if your friend is in a well you shouldn't climb down in the well with them, you should get a ladder and tell them to climb out.  See, something in me is saying to climb down there and just sit with them. To assure them that they are not alone.  Be Jesus for a minute, an hour, and just sit with those who need to be healed.

I had a thought the other day about how Jesus must have felt.  If I feel like a mercy magnet then I can't even imagine what He felt like.  All day people came to him and searched him out, thousands of hurting broken people, and I guarantee he felt every single pain and emotion that they were soaked in.  So, if I can't find a recently published article I will look to Jesus and see how he dealt with it all, and it seems he didn't hold it.  He went in solitude and prayed.  His disciples of course were all like "Jesus, hey Jesus, you gotta bunch of people who are waiting to see you, what are you doing all by yourself, come on dude! They need you!"   (Those disciples wore sandals so I'm sure they said "dude")

Even Jesus knew he couldn't do it on his own, he couldn't take all that pain and brokeness without help from the Father.  I bet he used that time to release it to God and let it go.   

I have been hesitant to write about this or even speak about it for fear that people will read this and want to avoid bothering me.  See, I love this gift, although it can be overwhelming, I wouldn't trade it for another one.   This is a gift that has enabled me to connect to my husband, my children, and many others.  I love connection.

*After writing about this I went to a crisis responder training and heard about compassion fatigue... more on that in a future post.  Seek and you shall find

MacGyver Goes To Support Group

After my discovery of the fact that actually I am stressed and not doing fantastic I have decided to take yet another step toward taking care of myself.  See, I read that parenting a child with ASD can lead to the parent having PTSD.  Like a soldier who went to Iraq, I could develop post traumatic stress disorder?  It was hard to believe, but then again, when you are constantly diffusing "bombs" in your family and on the lookout for the next possible explosion then maybe in some ways it is the same.  It does feel like life and death when you are in the middle of it.  For some parents, it really is life and death.  I feel like I have it pretty easy, but at the same time, it can be so hard.   I love my kids, so so much, but I decided it was time to try out the parent support group for parents with kids on the spectrum.

Last year I went to a parent support group at school a few times when I was feeling particularly frazzled.  It was clear quickly that while the people were lovely and kind, they just had no idea what I was going through.  There problems were real and true, but so different that it just made me feel more alone.   I stopped going and went back to husband,  prayer, and my bible study as my support.  My bible study group is amazing, they are the best listeners and so encouraging.  We laugh together, cry together, and best of all, pray together.   When we go on breaks I miss it, and when it's Thursday morning I put everything aside to be there. I also recognize that I needed more time to talk about parenting things and I really need people with children like mine who had been there, or were there currently, and maybe even some who were just beginning that I could help.  

Last night I went to my first meeting, and of course I can't give details but I will say that it felt so right.  They served me herbal tea and when I said how I felt they nodded along as if I was telling their own story.  When they did tell their stories it was so clear that I wasn't alone, and that there are beautiful amazing things about our children too, and we can celebrate those and laugh about the hard stuff and release it.  

Releasing things is the answer, to be there in the worst moments for my children, and then to release it when it's over.  Breath in the new and enjoy the moment I am in when I am in those good moments.  There are so many good moments that can go unseen if I'm still holding the anxiety of the last explosion.  If the bomb has been diffused then it's time to smile at the sunshine and breath deep.  

Notice MacGyver, he isn't holding on to that stress!

This group is going to do me lots of good.  I never felt I really needed it this much before but it's clear that the toxins were building and it's time to have a place outside my home to help me let them go.    

Put Your Mask On

Earlier this year I attended a workshop in craniosacral therapy and found it to be totally amazing.  If I try to describe it then I sound like a crazy person but long story short, it rocks!  I've been wanting to take my kids in for a session every since.  Last week, after a month long waiting list, we finally got my son in.  See, I had heard it can help with SPD.  I love my boy's energy, his enthusiasm, and his amazing insights on life.  I also see his struggles and frustrations as he tries to control himself and finds that he is lacking in impulse control.  Everyone has struggles, and on this earth we are meant to struggle.  It's just that he struggles so much more than the average kid and so  I made the appointment to see if life could get a little bit easier for him. (I will update on how it worked another time.)

The session went well, I have never seen him so zen calm except when he is sleeping.  He would also have times when he would start stretching and flexing his limbs and give deep sighs, then back to total calm.  It was very interesting for me to watch and at the end of the session the CST told him that things should get a little easier.   Then he said "Mom, I think you need to get up here now."  I wasn't expecting it but I was happy for the offer.

So, pretty much instantly he said  that he needed to work on my adrenals.  Then, he asked me to drop all the things I was holding that were not serving my highest.  I don't know if he meant God, but that is how I heard it and thought, yes, why am I holding all these things?  Worries don't serve my Highest, and I realized that I was holding a lot more than I even knew.  I dropped them one by one with each breath.
I will still need to make sure I don't try to pick them back up again, I'm helpful like that.

My session was wonderful in ways I'm not really sure how to describe so again I will just say that CST rocks!   The most interesting part of my session was that word, adrenals.  When he said that my brain was like "ah ha!"  Other then meaning stress I wasn't sure what they did exactly.  Later that day I did some research.  Turns out they are affecting much more of my life then I knew.

I found an article on adrenal function or rather dysfunction that described my life pretty perfectly.
Get up, drink coffee... coffee...tired so...coffee.  Also, too busy for breakfast, scarf down something at 11 maybe, forget to eat again until I am starving at dinner time.    Most likely the afternoon coffee also has a high sugar item to boost me back out of zombie mode...you get the picture
What I learned was that when you are hungry your body goes into fight or flight mode, so if you already have a busy life and maybe your children spike your adrenalin multiple times a day, it really is best to avoid getting hungry.   Add to that a few cups of joe and you have a recipe for cortisol overload.

This constant state of "fight or flight" leads to a lower immune system, allergies (I've had tons recently for the first time in my life,) memory problems, and many other things.  It seems though that this is the normal and expected state of almost every american parent.

Now, I can't get rid of the stress of a meltdown from one of my children but I think I can remember to eat.  I'm actually programming my phone to remind me for the next week so I get in the habit (memory problem.)
I can  also do a better job  avoiding sugar when I'm feeling hungry or tired. I'm not giving up coffee completely but at least for now I'm going to not drink it after my morning brew.  I'm letting my body be able to feel reality, and if it's telling me go to bed at 8:30 then I probably should.  I will catch up on New Girl some other time.

So far, this not having coffee in the afternoon is leaving me yawning at soccer practice, and realizing I want to go to bed between 8:30-9:30 instead of my usual 11:30-12.  Also, because I didn't pump myself with caffeine, I get to do something about it.  I get to sleep! I don't feel like having a glass of wine to wind down, because I've been winding down since 4 o'clock.
I shared on Facebook that without my afternoon coffee I had uncovered that I was exhausted and needed to go to bed early.  I thought that if I got any reply it would be something to the tune of "way to go!" or "I need to sleep more too."  Nope!  I was met with encouragement to drink more coffee.

Why are we so against slowing down and resting?  I don't understand why we feel we must be busy and peppy to be successful mothers.  While I don't understand it, I do feel it.    There is a mom at the school who if you compared her with other parents,  looks like she is high.  I mean, not really, she doesn't have the glassy red eyes.  But she seems to be in this sleepy sort of state that after I thought about it today, I think is just what the dictionary would call RELAXED and not jacked up on caffeine.  She walks slower, talks slower, and has a presence of calm. Now what if, that mom is going at NORMAL speed and we are all racing on hyper speed.   I fear that is the case.  We need to learn from her!

Wouldn't it be great if we aimed for relaxed, balanced, healthy american, instead of super human, coffee chugging, task juggling, sick american?  What if instead of saying to that other mom how normal it is to be exhausted, what if instead we gave her tips to be less exhausted, or offered to swap childcare so we could both take a nap or get a massage?  Let's get creative and change the expectations.

Lets dare to slow down and take care of ourselves.  As the flight attendant says, "Put your mask on first and then assist your child."  We need to breath, we need to eat, we need to value our needs instead of sweeping them to the side.   If my child wanted to skip breakfast there is no way I would let that happen.  I would lecture them about how the body needs energy, the brain needs food to think, not to mention them feeling grumpy on an empty stomach.   So, why should I let myself off so easily?  Let's put our masks on, and that "oxygen" will make us better parents.

Staring at the sky

Recently I chaperoned my daughters 5th grade overnight field trip.  We hiked into a beautiful ancient forest and stayed off the grid in cabins surrounded by flowing water and 1,000 year old trees.   I had been looking forward to the trip from the moment I got word of it because in the forest is where I feel most at home.  

When we arrived we had to hike in about 3 miles, with backpacks, and 20 some children.  About 10 minutes into the hike reality hit me, this might not be the most refreshing trip for me.  Meltdowns began to happen, specifically with my child.  See, being in a tiny car for two hours, packed in the back seat with two extremely chatty girls, well that got my girl overstimulated. I figured that once she was out of the car she could calm down with the nature setting.  Nothing calms me down more than walking through the forest. However I soon discovered that if you notice every detail of every leaf, moss, mushroom, rock, dirt, and who knows what else... you can't turn it off.  It's exhausting to be walking at a fast pace through this environment.  There is so much more color and things to notice then our typical urban landscape.  She tried strategies like only staring at the backpack of the person in front of us..  They didn't work, it was too much for her.

Now, everyone is carrying their backpack and so I had it in my mind that she MUST carry her backpack too, but about half way through the hike I thought, why?  If this environment is so daunting on her senses, does she really need the physical stimulus of a backpack as well?   I decided no, that I could carry the backpack and maybe we would even enjoy ourselves a little more the rest of the way.  I was right, but one more thing.  Tony Attwood taught me that when somebody is overloaded, and you can't leave the situation the best thing to do is talk to them about their special interest, or rather let them talk to you about it.  So, I may have asked what the most interesting thing she learned from her Harry Potter secrets book was.  Sure enough, distracted  kid hiking at a good pace in record time.   

We finally got to the cabin and it was loud but I as so proud of my girl.  She found herself spaces that were more silent, she excused herself when needed, she took care of herself without my prompting.  It was awesome! I'm glad she finally feels confident enough to advocate for herself and get what she needs.   For so long I have been doing this because she had been to timid or unaware that others weren't also totally overloaded.  

There was one magical moment for us when went on a night hike with the class.  Walking into the forest with our flashlights and curiosity.  After going for awhile our guide said, "now turn off the lights and look up."  There was the amazing sky, it was glittering and full of dreams and beauty.  I felt like I could get lost in it.  My daughter came over and hugged me, and we just hugged and stared at the sky. Being that she is a sensory avoider, I don't get many hugs from her so this was a very special moment for us.    For that moment she was just my daughter, she wasn't someone I needed to look out for.  I wasn't on alert for signs of a meltdown.  I wasn't assessing the situation for triggers.  I was just holding my daughter and staring at the sky.  This both made me extremely happy and also sad.  How often am I in alert mode vs enjoying my daughter mode?   She has proven that she can advocate for herself and I think it was a realization to me that I need to turn off alert mode a lot more and have her be just my 10 year old girl, not my sensitive girl.   Awareness is fine, acceptance is great, but way less alert is a wonderful idea.  

Meet the teacher

Meet the teacher night, I used to always thought it sounded so exciting.  Like meeting Mary Poppins and stepping into a land of  glossy name tags on desks, fresh waxy crayons, the endless possibilities of blank paper.  However this year I was more like a weary burned out vet who had been told to report back to duty.

This week we went to meet the teacher night for my sons class.  I had already decided that I wasn't going to tell her about last years troubles, about the trips to the office, the depression, the complete dread of school.   I knew that my son wouldn't show this side to her right away, he would say hello happily and run off to play with his friends.  I decided that I would let her form her own opinion of what kind of kid he was and that maybe with a little luck she would somehow have whatever magic it takes to make him like school enough and not be bored out of his mind that he wouldn't get labeled a bad kid.  That was my plan, smile, say hello to the other parents, say things like "lovely to meet you," and get the heck out of there.

So, we walked in and my dear boy blasted past the teacher to tackle hug his friend. They went into some sort of puppy pack of happy boy energy and then eventually he came to say hello to the teacher.  He investigated the new charts on the wall, scarfed down some  fruit that was out on the table, and then he was out the door with some classmates tumbling on the hill.   He looked just like a happy kid who was excited for school to start.  It's kinda scary how he can turn it on and fake it so well.  Last year the school counselor couldn't believe he was depressed because he was so cheerful and pleasant when she spoke with him. He doesn't like people to know he needs help.  Just last week he tried to fool the optometrist about his vision.  The conclusion was that he needs glasses, but it took the Dr a long time and lots of tricks and tests before he could be certain.  So, last year when the counselor told me he seemed fine and that whatever I was seeing at home was "just a phase" my intuition knew there was more as I watched my son stop liking every single thing that gave him joy. He would mope and say things like "This life is so hard for someone like me."

  So as the kids were playing outside his new teacher asked me, "So, is he excited about school starting?"  Much to my surprise I heard myself saying, "No, actually he really doesn't like school.  He hated it last year and became very depressed, I know that you might not believe that a seven year old can get depressed, but they can and he did."  I went on to tell her how we looked into a Sudbury school but couldn't afford it, how we did a week trial of homeschool and that was my backup plan. I went on and on telling her exactly the opposite of everything I had planned.  Also I was spilling all of this in front of other parents who slowly backed away from the crazy woman.  It was like I could hear myself blurting out all the grimy details of last years war stories but I just couldn't stop myself, and part of me was thinking "shut up already."  However, something good did happen, she asked me questions like "what did the previous teacher do to fill his needs for movement in the classroom?" She seemed not terrified of my stories and seemed to be absorbing them with occasional questions to better understand.   I also found out she took a class on teaching boys and that she knows that school is not set up for them.  She gave me a glimmer of hope that this year could work and my stories didn't seem to shake her one bit.  She looked like somebody trying to figure out a puzzle as she listened to me and I think that is exactly what we will need to do.  Figure out my sons bag of tricks and help him to make sense of them all.

We drove home and I tried to talk up the teacher to my boy. I said things to my son about how fun it must have been to see all his buddies.  He didn't care, he still hates it, still doesn't want to go.  He is very much the apathetic teenager stuck in a 7 year old body.  He will go anyway, starting on Monday.  Maybe if he goes a week without being sent to the office he will start to trust it again to be a good place.  Perhaps if he can be given some heavy work for his busy body and some challenging quests for his buzzing brain he may even look forward to going to school.  Maybe... I can dream right?

Bad ideas and scrubbing

Unlimited screen time was a terrible idea.  I couldn't have imagined just how early my son would wake up and just how much he doesn't care about doing anything else.  It makes me want to go extreme opposite and just lock up every electronic we have.  We could call it Summer Unplugged, it sounds like an awesome acoustic concert held in a big field but really it would be an horrible battle of misery and anger.   I'm not going there, but man do I want to!

In other news, my dishwasher broke.




That break in text was my moment of silence.  This summer we have had a chicken die, two fish, and now the dishwasher.  That last death just pushed me over the edge.  I do not find washing the dishes relaxing, I have tried rocking out to Black Eyed Peas and dancing around while scrubbing.  It was a little better but still hell.  Yep, I said hell.  I'm pretty sure that hell for me would be a never ending pile of dishes and no dishwasher. Maybe some spiders crawling around and milk chocolate everywhere (love chocolate, can't have milk.)
For now we aren't replacing the dishwasher, after all isn't it a fancy luxury item?  I mean I have a sink and hot running water.  I don't have to walk down to the well and pump my water and then boil it on the wood stove (My mom did this all the time when I was a kid.)  Still, I'm complaining anyway.

I considered paper plates that were from recycled paper and compostable.  Maybe plates made of corn that my chickens could eat?  Of course it would most likely be GMO corn and then my chickens would start giving me creepy mutated eggs and our whole family would grow extra limbs.  Nope, that wouldn't work.  Back to scrubbing.

Winging it

If you want to know how to get your child to sleep through the night you can buy maybe 10 different books on the topic and they all have totally different ideas on how to go about it.  Potty training- same thing.  If you have more than one kid then you know that what worked like magic for one child could have been a horrendous battle for the other child.  The truth is, we are all just winging it pretty much all the time.  Sure, we may get in a spell where something is working great but a change in the wind and suddenly our amazing method of parenting has to be tweaked yet again.

Just this summer I have had three different plans for Screen Time.  I'm still not sure which one has worked the best or if any of them really are superior to the others.  The first one was that they had to ask for it and I would approve it or not.  This turned to constant begging and pleading for more time and got to be exhausting.  Quickly I turned to little tokens in a jar that were automatically filled on Monday.  Each token was worth 1 hour of screen time and if it was past 4pm then you could spend them.  If you were out of tokens then you were done until Monday and family movie time didn't cost.  This turned into my son staring down the clock all day.  Ugging and grumping about how he was so bored and wished it could be 4:00.  Then when 4:00 came, if we were out doing anything fun at all, including swimming or going to the zoo he would suddenly realize that he was miserable and needed to go home immediately for screen time.  He would also blow through his tokens faster than his miser sister and so he would complain that he had no idea it had been three hours and he really only wanted to spend one token.   So once again I became worn down and exhausted from the 4'oclock token  method.

We have about 3 weeks of summer left and last week I read this article about The Sliver, and it seemed to make sense to part of my brain as a method for our family to try, plus a few weeks can't mess up my children too badly if they totally overdose themselves with screens right?  Today I announced that I want to do fun things like swim and go on day trips and play outside but that the new screen time rule is unlimited screen time for the rest of the summer as long as they will stop and go do those other fun things when I decide it's time for them.   I got a "YES!" and then my son quickly chugged his milk spilling it everywhere, raced to mop it up with a towel and made a mad dash for the computer.   Part of me is wondering what I have done and the other is enjoying not being nagged all morning about when 4:00 will be and why time is so slow.