Naughty or Nice?

Christmas just happened and sure enough the jolly old Santa dropped a bag of lego loot at our house and threw in a couple of board games just to jazz things up a bit.  In the past I welcomed Santa in and I was happy to let the magic happen, but this year I have a slight problem with the big guy.  See, he made my daughter really worried, and he made my son doubt his "niceness."  You don't mess with my kids, even if you are Santa Claus.

  Normally I wouldn't mind a little motivation for my kids to behave but this seemed over the top.  My girl already worries enough about doing something wrong. Perfect is what she strives for and I try my hardest to get her to take life a little less seriously.  So, when mega toy loot was riding on doing the right thing, she got very anxious and worried. She didn't have a scale of what EXACTLY is naughty and what EXACTLY is nice, so she assumed the worst.  Perfection, she even looked back three years prior counting her errors.

Then comes my impulsive, hyper-happy boy.  His heart is good, he is full of love, always looking for ways to help others and spread cheer.  Also, lots of being told "no" "slow down" "you need to think first." "go to your room."  So, if the world of Santa is black and white, naughty or nice, then he is sure to do way more wrongs than right and so must belong on the naughty list.  I tried to assure him that Santa would look at the bigger picture and see how kind and full of love he is.  He seriously doubted me.
 
So, I guess I'm not sure about Santa's list anymore.  I think he needs to learn a little compassion and a lot of grace.  All those Christmas songs threatening that he knows "if you've been good or bad so be good for goodness sake!"   We can't forget that this is a season of celebrating the gift of grace that began with the birth of Jesus. Let's focus on the joy, and the love. After all if we aren't doing that at Christmas then when are we doing it?

Love and Grace Everyday, and especially at Christmas.

Shhhh...

Some mornings, actually most mornings I am running around my house, attempting to feed the kids, pack lunches, get ready, and frantically sounding off tons of requests all on one sentence. I am asking hurried questions like, what do you want for snack today? Did you brush your hair? go feed the dog, oh and did you pack your homework? get your socks on right now and oh your food is ready so go sit down and eat really fast so we aren't late, where are my keys!?   Then, then my daughter sometimes just stares blankly and suddenly says, "huh? What? I forgot what I was supposed to be doing? what did you say?"  
Then I begin to get frustrated and say something like "YOU NEED TO LISTEN!  WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!!!"

The truth is that she is listening.  She is hearing more than I could ever imagine and my non-stop dialog isn't allowing her to complete the first task I requested or answer the first question. Then throw in all the other noises that happen in a household in the morning (dishes clanging, washing machine running, brother banging into things, etc) and you have a very overloaded kid.  

My husand posted this video on his facebook page about a week ago and I have been wanting to post it here but a cold got the best of me and knocked me into a world of watching movies on netflix and feeling exhausted.   I am back... and with me I bring this video.  

I think for me watching it was another reminder to slow down and be silent sometimes because the world is loud enough for my sweet girl. 

Please watch
Sensory Overload (Interacting With Autism Project)

10 things

Welcome,
Many of you will be finding this for the first time.  This has been my journal for the past few months as I sort through my thoughts and flush out my feelings.  I kept it to myself, mostly because I was still processing things and also because I wasn't sure it was something to share at all.   It's personal, it's my life, my husband's life, my children's life, spilled out on a blog and mostly un-edited.  It is truth, feelings, and not always pretty or simple.  Some days it might be "fine" and other days it's a mess.

I decided to share it though. To share the fine, and the mess.  Share it because there are days when I stumble onto someones blog, or a book, or an article that makes me feel less alone.  Some things that gives me hope, or joy, or a simple acknowledgement that life is sometimes hard..  Momastary is one of those sites, the author, Glennon reminded me that I love to write and so I started writing. Next I remembered that sharing was also something that I loved to do.  Sharing with other parents who are desperately trying to raise their children up in the way that they should go.  So, I decided that now that I am showing this to family and friends (instead of mostly random people who stumble upon it) I will do something that Glennon from Momastary did.  I will write 10 things about me.  She wrote 20, but most of you know me and I am lazy so I will try to do 10 that you don't know. Some of you know me too well for any surprises but welcome anyway.

Once you read my 10 things, please look at my older post, especially my first few as they are the most special to me.  I wrote under a different account for awhile so it may show up a little funny.   If you have friends who have children on the autism spectrum please share my blog. I am not telling people how to parent, or saying my way is right.  I am just stumbling along and trying to figure it out as I go. I would love for this to be a place of community.   If it turns out that nobody has anything to say then I will just continue writing for myself because I love journaling.  I can't promise it will be everyday, because life is busy and and I am a scatter brained procrastinator, but when I show up it will be with all my heart. Also, I must apologize for grammar and spelling errors.  There will be many. 

Ten Things about Me

1. I once lived without electricity, and while I would surely miss the internet, I really do miss the flicker of a kerosene lamp and the sound of my father's acoustic guitar strumming. 

2. My beautiful nine year old daughter was officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome this summer, but I have known in my heart longer than that.  It has opened doors, windows, and stairways into amazing discoveries for our family.

3. I have a dog as big as a pony. Really.

4.  I love Jesus and it will come up here.  I am not trying to be preachy or make you uncomfortable.  He is my strength, courage, and heart and without Him I would be a terrible mess. 

5.  My Son is basically Tigger with a heart of gold.  Some say ADHD (attention deficiit/hyperactivity disorder), some say SPD (sensory processing disorder) I suspect a little aspie (aspergers) but whatever he is I say he is Joy!  OK, maybe explosive joy with a side of ummmm exhausting.

6.  My husband, the talkative, super-outgoing, non-stop energy guy.... is an Aspie too! He is just VERY good at acting like a neurotypical.  We are still untangling all the mysteries that happen when a neurotypical (non-aspergers) and an Aspie fall in love and get married, and have kids.   He has helped me be more organized and I have helped him with....something?  Two halves make a whole and that must have been the idea between matching us up.  End of story. 

7.  I want to learn to play the banjo.  Every time I listen to Mumford and Sons (a lot recently/love the new CD) I just crave to play it.  I have zero musical talent but I do own a banjo.   Anyone want to give me lessons?

8. When I clean the bathrooms I feel as if I have climbed the top of Mount Everest and I am always shocked that nobody presents me with a medal or award of some sort.  (Mom's of boys you MUST know what I am talking about.)  My husband usually does thank me however, but still...I want an AWARD!!!

9.  I am super frugal and mostly shop at thrift stores.  I also have crazy good luck and find wonderful things and almost always what I need.  I do this not only to save money, but also to reduce waste.  AKA I'm sort of a hippie.

10.  I have a heart for the homeless, and orphans, and pets without homes.  I am pretty sure I would take them all into my home except that we don't have that big of a house and my husband seems to be more of a rational person.  (Like I said, we were put together for a reason.)  My dream someday is to adopt or foster children but for now I am fully challenged and blessed with the two that we have. 

Gathering information and reflecting

Over the past weeks I have been coming to the computer to write and then realizing that I wasn't ready yet.  I have been reading some books on ADHD.  I have been thinking about what this all means.  I have also been working with my son on some challanges he is having now that the first grade adventure has started. 
  The first book I read was by Dr Barkley and it was a bit depressing, I thought it would be more fun because of that great big dog Barkley on Sesame Street.  Turns out it wasn't the same dog and in fact it was a human!   The book did have a practical  tool at the end, the suggestion and explanation of having a points system to help with behavior.  I downloaded an App called Kidzpoints to help me track it because I am very likely to misplace a chart, and forget to put poker chips in a jar (as it suggested.)  We have done it for a week and it seems to help with a few things, like calm hallway behavior.  I would say the program and my son are still in the honeymoon phase and he may decide it's for the birds next week.  I hope not.

I also found a book called The Gift of ADHD.  From this I found some interesting things, I also found a lot of anti-medical worldview.  I am not all about drugging my kid but I thought the book was kind of rude about it.  There was hope in the book though, and something else happend.  I recognized myself in some of it.  It put everything in a positive way and explained how people with ADHD feel the feelings of others very intensely.  Most people feel it a little but but for ADHD folk, they feel it much more.  It said that children with ADHD  feel  the emotions of others but they don't really know where it is coming  from, and then they act it out to try and understand it.  So say, student Susie is having a bad day and very angry, if they sit next to her they will start to feel her anger.  They actually feel it is there own anger and they might just throw a fit and act angry to understand it. 
I thought that was cool.  I thought about how my husband and my daughter cannot "feel" others emotions at all, and how I have trouble sitting near certain people at church if they are going through a hard time because I feel the emotion so much that it is overwhelming.  I am also drawn to comfort them, but some days if have my own things going on it's just too intense to handle. I usually push myself to handle it anyway because if I feel that much, they must be feeling so much more and need a hug. 

After my information gathering was done (is it ever really done?)  I went into reflective mode.  I have been going through the daily routine and pondering in the back of my head what all of this means.  We are still the same family that we were two years ago but we also have a better sense of self, and it's amazing how we all fit together.  Some of us can tune in to emotional needs, but when we become overly emotional and flipping out we have other members of our family who can keep a cool head and tell it like it is without feeding off our energy. 

At the end of my pondering I came up with this:  We are who we were made to be.  We don't have disorders or syndromes (although the labels will help us to find tools to make ourselves better people. )  We are simply people, who happen to be neurologically wired differently from the majority of humans.  We are part of a body.  The body has many parts, and if everyone was a foot then we wouldn't be able to think, if everyone was a head we wouldn't be able to step forward.  We were created to have these "quirks" for a reason. 
As with anyone, neurotypical (normal) or autistic, we all need to grow and change and become the very best version of ourselves we can, but we must make sure we still remain ourselves through that process. 

I would never want my son to lose his zest for life, his enthusiasm, or his energy.  I would however, prefer he learn to sit down during circle time instead of running around the room tackling people.    I would never want my daughter to lose her ability to notice tiny details and give amazing insights.  I would like her to be able to have more back and forth conversations though, so that she could hear other peoples insights as well.   I wouldn't want to lose my ability to feel peoples emotions and give them comfort, Although I would really  like to stop losing my keys, train of thought, coffee mug, and car in the parking lot.  

Temple Grandin

This post is going to be super short.  I just wanted to say that last night I watched the movie Temple Grandin with Claire Danes.  (She did a great job, btw)   If you have a child with Aspergers or Autism and you don't have it yourself I would urge you to watch the movie.  They did a wonderful job putting you into the perspective of Temple and seeing the world through her eyes.  You can read books, but this gives you the complete visual.  Also it's an amazing and true story of what someone with Autism is capable of doing if they are supported and encouraged! 
I am still debating showing my daughter, I will for sure when she is older but some scenes are kind of intense. 
If you saw the movie I am curious what you thought of it.  What do you think of the squeeze machine?  Would you ever get or make one for your child?

Muck

You know those times when you are blissfully running across a lush meadow, looking ahead at the place heading and then you realize that the meadow is full of soggy water and you end up with your foot sinking down into muck and before you realize it the next one has gone down too.  Bewildered and not sure what to do next.  You know you have to get yourself out of there, but how to do it without losing a shoe or falling on your face.  Plus, once you get out you of the muck you still have to trudge forward through the rest of the soggy mess to reach your intended destination.  So, here I am, standing in the muck and refusing to go forward, too tired to assess the situation, but also too hopeful to just lay down and give up.

For over a year I have been learning everything I could and reading every book I could get my hands on about aspergers to help my daughter.  Meanwhile, for the past six months I was also learning much about Sensory Processing Disorder to help my son.  I felt pretty good about it, like we had a path and a plan for my son.  He was doing Occupational Therapy once a week and making progress.  I am thankful for that progress, and thankful for the tools and skills that he gained from OT.  Our therapist was truly amazing!  Then, we were told that there wasn't much more OT could do and we should go get yet another evaluation.

After an evaluation with a team of people, plus tons of questionnaires, and a follow up I was told my son has ADHD.   Now, somehow this is hard to take, much harder than when I learned my daughter had aspergers. You hear about wonderful people with autism, geniuses.  I am pretty sure you never hear anything great about ADHD people.  (If you do please leave me a comment!)  I know ADHD is the most common misdiagnosed thing in children.  I also know my son can pay attention.  I also don't know anything about ADHD.  I have started trying to learn a little bit.  I got the book that the Dr.recommended and read 7 pages, then I stopped.

  I just feel like it was surprise muck.  Surprise muck that I am not even sure is real.  Although, the little I have read is making sense.  It just seems so big.  I made the mistake of reading what ADHD looks like as a teenager and it scared the hell out of me!  So I stopped reading and here I stand, knee deep in muck trying to figure out my next move and sort of feeling like maybe I will just stand here.

Our Best

This past weekend my husband went out of town on a camping trip and left me to hold down the fort.  This included a shameful first night when, after hearing a story at the park about "Honey Boo Boo" the tiara wearing toddler,  Out of curiousity and half dis-belief, I made my way to YouTube.
I ended up watching an entire episode of Toddlers In Tiaras.  I don't have cable and normally wouldn't watch something like that but... well...I will blame the lack of adults at home and call temporary insanity.

I thought that I would just watch a short clip and move on with my life.  I couldn't though, I kept watching.  Not so much like watching a train wreck, but rather watching someone wreck a train on purpose. I was trying to figure out what is going on inside the train wreckers head that makes them think this is a good idea to wreck the train.  Plus, not just one train, a whole room of trains, and everyone is in agreement that the trains need to smash for the good of the train.

It would be easy for me to think that the mothers of the tiara girls are horrible parents.  I have to say that my gut reaction was just that.  I had that little thought in the back of my head though telling me to find the good.  Because really, the mothers are going out of there way, changing the entire famililes lifestyle, sacrificing money and time because they are trying to do there best.  Trying to give their child the best life they can.  It just happens that the idea they have for "best possible life" is MUCH different then the idea I have.
They wouldn't understand why I won't allow my children the thrill of drinking soda and downing pixie sticks (yes, they give there children oodles of pixie sticks to show "personality.")  These women would think perhaps that I am being cruel by not allowing my children unlimited screen time, but not allowing them to sign up for tons of activities.  I am sure I do things very different and they might see that as bad.  Maybe though, they would act better than I did and they wouldn't judge me at all.

I sat on my sofa, and a squirmed, and I dropped my jaw, and I judged, and then I remembered that I am not supposed to judge.  So then I looked for the good.  I found it too, deep under the insanity of a pageant.  I found the hope for happiness, for a better life, for a shared dream, for a smile. It is easy to see the worst in people.  I have friends who parent very differently than me, they give their children soda and spank them when they misbehave.  Because I am around them in person it's easier to see the good, to see their heart.  The television show is not made to help us be compassionate.  The producers pick people who will shock and cause judgement, so that we will all gossip about it.  It's very hard to see someones heart through edits that accentuate the worst moments.  There was a small clip though, where one of the mother's doubted for a brief second what she was doing, but then she said she sees her daughter smile and knows she is doing the right thing.  She wants her daughter to be happy, but that glimpse of doubt showed me her heart.  Beneath the layers of our good and failed attempts at parenting lays our heart, and we all have good hearts. 

These women are doing their best.  We are all doing our best to love our children and give them a good life and everyone has a different picture of what that looks like.  We must not judge each other though, it doesn't help anyone or change anything. I won't be watching the show again.  It's too hard not to judge and really what can I gain from seeing it?  Instead I will patiently await the return of Downton Abby and maybe practice my neglected banjo the next time I am bored.