Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hammock Guilt

Recently, the mega million lottery was up to 50 million or 500 million or something ridiculously huge that would allow the winner to buy pretty much whatever they wanted. I didn't bother buying a ticket but I did play the What If game with my family.  My first thought was that I would start an orphanage or help my church, perhaps buy a building with a roof that didn't leak for my children's school.  My husband looked at me and asked, but what about for you? What would you buy?  My answer was instant.  I would buy a hammock.  That's it, I just want a hammock. I love hammocks, I have always wanted one.  Once I bought one for about 10 dollars in Mexico.  I never had a place to hang it.  It got dragged around from apartment to apartment  a sad tangled mess waiting for a place to hang.  Finally I gave up my hammock dream and it went in the garage sale pile.   Now I live in a yard with no good trees, the hammock stand seems to me a bit fake, or so I tell myself because that ads an extra price to the entire thing. 
Really though, are they THAT expensive?  I could get one for 100 dollars with a stand on amazon.  I just checked.  So, what really is my reason for not getting one.  I think it's because it would feel selfish.  After all, what is a hammock for?  It is for relaxing, being lazy, reading a book all day long, taking a nap.  Buying one is like announcing to the world "I DESERVE A BREAK! I AM TAKING A BREAK!"  (Also, I live in Oregon, it rains like all the time. So not practical)  Not to mention I would be spending 100 bucks on myself.   Some women have no trouble at all buying themselves something that cost over 10 dollars.  If that is you don't feel bad, I wish I could let go of that feeling of guilt, of unworthiness.   My husband is the main money maker so maybe that is why.  He would never care, he encourages me to get myself things.  But that guilt, it's there no matter what.   Recently though I discovered, while doing the taxes that he had spent quite a bit of money on video games.  Now, it wash;t a big secret, and really I didn't care all all.  He works hard, and totally deserves it, but to think that he can do that and I can't make myself buy a freakin hammock!?

Now, here is the kicker, my son is in Occupational Therapy for sensory integration issues (that is another story) but his favorite OT activity is a lycra hammock.  When he gets to rocking back and forth it brings him down to a good level of energy and he can focus better.   So, of course I start looking at the thing, googling the price (500 bucks! REALLY?!)  and figuring out how I might make one myself.   All within an hour I am planning how to get a hammock for my son, so he can relax, so he can focus, and find a calm in himself.

Why can I do this for him so easily, why is his focus and his calm more valuable than my own to me?  I don't think this was the way we were meant to be wired as mothers.  I know that when I am calm my children are calm.  The days when I am out of control it's obvious that they are effected.  What if I put my calm slightly ahead in the family priority list, or at least at the same level?   I wonder if that would balance everyone else just a bit more and make for happier days?  It could be worth a try if I can ditch the guilt and order the stupid hammock.   Plus a stand of course...because of my lack of trees.

Mamas, we must remember this lesson.  Our calm has value, our calm has influence on everyone else in our home.  Our calm must be protected.  Our calm must be given opportunity to grow.