"Be still and know..." I can know, I do know. I believe with my entire everything that God is God and He is in charge. However, being still is really very difficult and the longer that I must do it the harder that it becomes.
I live in a society that is go go go! do do do! It's only alright to be still in yoga for 45 minutes, three days a week and then it's time to multitask again. Being still doesn't come natural to me anymore.
When I was a child I was fantastic at being still. I mean, maybe I wiggled around a bit but I remember that my favorite place on earth was just sitting on a gigantic moss covered boulder and simply being still. I didn't worry, I never tried to figure out plans or life or even what to do next. I just sat there and enjoyed sitting.
Now I am a grownup and I feel an obligation to worry and plan and make things happen but I am pretty sure that I've got it all wrong and I was way better off sitting on my rock.
"Then he said, "I tell all of you with certainty, unless you change and become like little children, you will never get into the kingdom from heaven." Matt 18:3
See, I had it all right to begin with and now I've gone and tried to be in charge of things and driven myself to having shoulders up to my ears and spending hours on the internet looking at cities and schools and houses for a move to somewhere that may never even happen. It was set up to be so easy. Let go and let God. I see that little saying and I know that is what I want to do. Then I go to my browser and open up craigslist house ads and obsess. What is that drive in us to make things happen? Sometimes even trying to force things to happen. I also used to spend hours on adoption websites looking at children and imagining them fitting into my family. I would get very emotional and stressed from this as well. So badly wanting to make things happen but having it out of my control to do so. (Husband isn't ready for our family to grow yet.)
My husband will be ending his work contract this week and I'm not fearing running out of money or becoming homeless. I know God will provide something or if we run out of money and a home then we will have a new experience and learn something amazing. I love homeless people, maybe God wants me to love them even more? Fear isn't driving me to search wildly on the internet for answers. So what is it? Why do I search? I also search the pages of my bible and sometimes I get clarity but mostly I just get my mind off the situation. Maybe that right there is the answer. Don't think about it. Be still. A still mind that waits for something to move it instead of vibrating all around hoping something will react to my vibrations and erupt into an answer. I don't have conclusions, maybe that is the point of this post. I'm simply acknowledging that I need to be still. It won't be easy, but perhaps I can seek out a mossy boulder to rest on for awhile while I wait.