Getting it ALL wrong

What if all the instincts and impulses that you had inside of you were considered socially unacceptable. Now imagine that your mind and body didn't yet have enough self control to stop you from doing them. Your neurotransmitters just couldn't send things fast enough to tell yourself to stop.   Everywhere you went people would tell you that you were doing it wrong. " Nope, not that way."  "Oh careful, not that." "SLOW DOWN!"  "Oooh you messed up AGAIN!"
 
How long would it be until you broke.  How many times could you hear your name in THAT tone of voice that says "you screwed up!"  before you either stopped caring or just lost your joy all together?   I fear for my little guy that we are dangerously close to this place, if not already arriving.  I have been witnessing the joy dwindle from him, first in small amounts, and now in a way that seems at times like despair has set in.

  Last week I  talked with his teacher (who is amazing and wonderfully gentle in his corrections.) I got  advice from the school counselor after having her meet with him (because when your son no longer wants to play with his Legos, you take it serious.)  Things that were suggested included a light box since we live in the northwest and the sun doesn't like to be around this time of year. Maybe a session or two with a play therapist?   It was suggested that maybe this was a stage and it would blow over.   I hoped for the latter, and we turned on our Happy Light at breakfast time for a few days.  Then I did some thinking and I tried to put myself in his shoes.  That is what the first paragraph was all about.   Constantly doing the wrong thing, not planning to do the wrong thing, not wanting to do the wrong thing.  (this kid sits and draws during choice time so he won't unknowingly do the wrong thing and get into trouble.)  It has to be crushing for him and I think his new sullen attitude is a product of this.

I googled "play therapist" to see if we had one in the area.  Then I thought about play.  I got a random idea and this is what we are trying, and I think I am seeing results of a happier kid. Long term I am not sure this is going to work but I'm taking it a day at a time.  The plan is:  Short burst of one-on-one time with my son (husband is doing this with him too) where we have fun and no matter what he does, we don't correct him.  It's a time when he can do no wrong, we just play and have fun.  He wrestles me to the ground, or we play a board game, or whatever, but NOTHING he can do gets him a correction or even a scowl for the duration of that playtime.  (My goal is 30 minutes)  The rest of life goes on as it did before except that window of fun.  

My hope is that those times will bring his joy back and we can keep working on ways he can help himself be successful at self control so that he won't have to hear as many corrections.  He wants to follow the rules, that is obvious to me, but his little body and mind are just too full of Tigger to make it happen.

 However, I kinda think that the hundred acre woods weren't as fun until Tigger moved in.
(perhaps we need to move to the woods and homeschool?)

Peace that passes understanding

Almost a year ago I found my escape world.  A place where I could go to grow stronger, and work so very hard that my body would quake like a California fault line and my mind would stop jumping and racing and simply focus on not falling over or collapsing.  It was the ballet that I loved as a child, the yoga that I found relaxation in as a collage student, and the pilates that I knew my 2 times pregnant tummy needed. Sometimes it is a place of prayer, it started with a very serious "please Lord don't let me pass out or fall over." and overtime it became deeper than that.  

     Barre3 is the place I can go where I don't feel guilty for escaping, and despite the insanely hard work, it is a break from my busy mom reality and it keeps me calm.   Recently I have been thinking more about what my children need to keep calm.  What space can we create? What things would help them reach that place.
I created a soothing sensory zone under my sons loft bed. After a trip with my Mom to the magic land of IKEA I ended up with a duvet cover and a ton of pillows to fill it with.  We decked it out with white Christmas lights overhead and more and more pillows.  Both the kids use the space (individually) when they need to find the calm.  Usually they bring a comic book in with them for the ultimate happy place.

     What else though? I'm sure that isn't enough.  How can they find peace at school? On a car ride? At a friends house?   It's great to have a physical space, or an activity that we do that brings us peace but what we really all need is to have that peace inside us.  A place we can go without leaving the room.  Sometimes I feel like I can do that.  I can take that deep breath and have that peace. People comment on it sometimes, how I am so peaceful and calm.  It's true that I am filled with a calm spirit but it's not my own.  I am happy to have it there in me.  Sometimes I have trouble finding it there when it's really crazy.  I want to show my kids how to find it when life is overwhelming (when isn't life overwhelming?)

  I think the trick might be as simple as acknowledging that that calm spirit is within you.  It may not be you, your life may not be calm at all, but that spirit, it's there breathing slowly and just waiting for you to welcome it. Your busy life and jumpy mind may push it away again, brush it off for another time, but there it is always, patient (of course) waiting for you.  

     I'm not sure I can teach my children this, telling them about it just isn't enough.  I can model it but I think they will have to seek it out, make their own discoveries of what dwells within them.  Until they find it I can provide a squishy soft lit place under the loft for them to read.

A Good Family

Family, (a good, solid, loving family) takes you as you are.  They may encourage you to soar a little higher, but they don't judge. They love you even if you are sitting on the floor in the back of the room  instead of in a row of chairs next to them.  I love my church family.
Today we (myself, son, and daughter) sat on the floor in the very back of the building (church is in a middle school gym) because the sounds of our amazing worship team were too loud for one of my children.  The service has become longer for the kids so they can spend more time worshiping with our entire church family. This means that my other child needed to wiggle and be squished by climbing under my legs and behind me and all around.  Silently my child squished  into a comfortable and peaceful place.  
What I love, and am so thankful for is that I did not get one single judgmental look from anyone.
That, is a good family.  

January Fever

     Our family,( like many others this time of year) got hit by the flu.  The day before we started going down like a family of dominoes, I read about a speaker who was coming to talk to parents in our area.  Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity  Parenting would be speaking.  I had heard of some parents I know reading the book but I wasn't totally familiar so I did a google search to find out more.  I stumbled across an article that mentioned a soul fever.       This idea made sense to me, it intrigued me, and I thought I understood it. Then we got the body fever an our family had several days of  despair, and sickness to remind me just how much we hide away and rest when the flu hits.   I didn't question that what my children needed was extra love and comforting, it was obvious.  I wasn't about to push them to run to the grocery store with me or hurry up.  I let them follow their instincts of curling up, hugging mama, and sleeping.  The world outside our home could wait.
     Now we have come from the of the piles of blankets and tissues and slowly entered back into the waiting world.  Nothing was ruined by our absence, nobody horrible offended that we didn't show up for anything.  Society respects a body fever, they expect you to stay away.  Does society respect a soul fever though?  I think it surprises and puzzles them a bit.  I have had my daughter skip a party, step out, or leave early from a function and I do get looks of surprise and confusion.  I know that my girl isn't the only one who has moments when she just need to step out from the action, we all do. I dare us all, myself included to be brave and say "no" to things.  To leave when our child is melting down, and not scold them for ruining our outing but instead comfort them like we would if they suddenly had a fever of 103.
     The more of us who show this respect for the soul fever the more society will see it as normal.  We can all become more gentle and kind.  I have a feeling if this was done by all, we would see a lot less fevers popping up.  
   

Naughty or Nice?

Christmas just happened and sure enough the jolly old Santa dropped a bag of lego loot at our house and threw in a couple of board games just to jazz things up a bit.  In the past I welcomed Santa in and I was happy to let the magic happen, but this year I have a slight problem with the big guy.  See, he made my daughter really worried, and he made my son doubt his "niceness."  You don't mess with my kids, even if you are Santa Claus.

  Normally I wouldn't mind a little motivation for my kids to behave but this seemed over the top.  My girl already worries enough about doing something wrong. Perfect is what she strives for and I try my hardest to get her to take life a little less seriously.  So, when mega toy loot was riding on doing the right thing, she got very anxious and worried. She didn't have a scale of what EXACTLY is naughty and what EXACTLY is nice, so she assumed the worst.  Perfection, she even looked back three years prior counting her errors.

Then comes my impulsive, hyper-happy boy.  His heart is good, he is full of love, always looking for ways to help others and spread cheer.  Also, lots of being told "no" "slow down" "you need to think first." "go to your room."  So, if the world of Santa is black and white, naughty or nice, then he is sure to do way more wrongs than right and so must belong on the naughty list.  I tried to assure him that Santa would look at the bigger picture and see how kind and full of love he is.  He seriously doubted me.
 
So, I guess I'm not sure about Santa's list anymore.  I think he needs to learn a little compassion and a lot of grace.  All those Christmas songs threatening that he knows "if you've been good or bad so be good for goodness sake!"   We can't forget that this is a season of celebrating the gift of grace that began with the birth of Jesus. Let's focus on the joy, and the love. After all if we aren't doing that at Christmas then when are we doing it?

Love and Grace Everyday, and especially at Christmas.

Shhhh...

Some mornings, actually most mornings I am running around my house, attempting to feed the kids, pack lunches, get ready, and frantically sounding off tons of requests all on one sentence. I am asking hurried questions like, what do you want for snack today? Did you brush your hair? go feed the dog, oh and did you pack your homework? get your socks on right now and oh your food is ready so go sit down and eat really fast so we aren't late, where are my keys!?   Then, then my daughter sometimes just stares blankly and suddenly says, "huh? What? I forgot what I was supposed to be doing? what did you say?"  
Then I begin to get frustrated and say something like "YOU NEED TO LISTEN!  WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!!!"

The truth is that she is listening.  She is hearing more than I could ever imagine and my non-stop dialog isn't allowing her to complete the first task I requested or answer the first question. Then throw in all the other noises that happen in a household in the morning (dishes clanging, washing machine running, brother banging into things, etc) and you have a very overloaded kid.  

My husand posted this video on his facebook page about a week ago and I have been wanting to post it here but a cold got the best of me and knocked me into a world of watching movies on netflix and feeling exhausted.   I am back... and with me I bring this video.  

I think for me watching it was another reminder to slow down and be silent sometimes because the world is loud enough for my sweet girl. 

Please watch
Sensory Overload (Interacting With Autism Project)

10 things

Welcome,
Many of you will be finding this for the first time.  This has been my journal for the past few months as I sort through my thoughts and flush out my feelings.  I kept it to myself, mostly because I was still processing things and also because I wasn't sure it was something to share at all.   It's personal, it's my life, my husband's life, my children's life, spilled out on a blog and mostly un-edited.  It is truth, feelings, and not always pretty or simple.  Some days it might be "fine" and other days it's a mess.

I decided to share it though. To share the fine, and the mess.  Share it because there are days when I stumble onto someones blog, or a book, or an article that makes me feel less alone.  Some things that gives me hope, or joy, or a simple acknowledgement that life is sometimes hard..  Momastary is one of those sites, the author, Glennon reminded me that I love to write and so I started writing. Next I remembered that sharing was also something that I loved to do.  Sharing with other parents who are desperately trying to raise their children up in the way that they should go.  So, I decided that now that I am showing this to family and friends (instead of mostly random people who stumble upon it) I will do something that Glennon from Momastary did.  I will write 10 things about me.  She wrote 20, but most of you know me and I am lazy so I will try to do 10 that you don't know. Some of you know me too well for any surprises but welcome anyway.

Once you read my 10 things, please look at my older post, especially my first few as they are the most special to me.  I wrote under a different account for awhile so it may show up a little funny.   If you have friends who have children on the autism spectrum please share my blog. I am not telling people how to parent, or saying my way is right.  I am just stumbling along and trying to figure it out as I go. I would love for this to be a place of community.   If it turns out that nobody has anything to say then I will just continue writing for myself because I love journaling.  I can't promise it will be everyday, because life is busy and and I am a scatter brained procrastinator, but when I show up it will be with all my heart. Also, I must apologize for grammar and spelling errors.  There will be many. 

Ten Things about Me

1. I once lived without electricity, and while I would surely miss the internet, I really do miss the flicker of a kerosene lamp and the sound of my father's acoustic guitar strumming. 

2. My beautiful nine year old daughter was officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome this summer, but I have known in my heart longer than that.  It has opened doors, windows, and stairways into amazing discoveries for our family.

3. I have a dog as big as a pony. Really.

4.  I love Jesus and it will come up here.  I am not trying to be preachy or make you uncomfortable.  He is my strength, courage, and heart and without Him I would be a terrible mess. 

5.  My Son is basically Tigger with a heart of gold.  Some say ADHD (attention deficiit/hyperactivity disorder), some say SPD (sensory processing disorder) I suspect a little aspie (aspergers) but whatever he is I say he is Joy!  OK, maybe explosive joy with a side of ummmm exhausting.

6.  My husband, the talkative, super-outgoing, non-stop energy guy.... is an Aspie too! He is just VERY good at acting like a neurotypical.  We are still untangling all the mysteries that happen when a neurotypical (non-aspergers) and an Aspie fall in love and get married, and have kids.   He has helped me be more organized and I have helped him with....something?  Two halves make a whole and that must have been the idea between matching us up.  End of story. 

7.  I want to learn to play the banjo.  Every time I listen to Mumford and Sons (a lot recently/love the new CD) I just crave to play it.  I have zero musical talent but I do own a banjo.   Anyone want to give me lessons?

8. When I clean the bathrooms I feel as if I have climbed the top of Mount Everest and I am always shocked that nobody presents me with a medal or award of some sort.  (Mom's of boys you MUST know what I am talking about.)  My husband usually does thank me however, but still...I want an AWARD!!!

9.  I am super frugal and mostly shop at thrift stores.  I also have crazy good luck and find wonderful things and almost always what I need.  I do this not only to save money, but also to reduce waste.  AKA I'm sort of a hippie.

10.  I have a heart for the homeless, and orphans, and pets without homes.  I am pretty sure I would take them all into my home except that we don't have that big of a house and my husband seems to be more of a rational person.  (Like I said, we were put together for a reason.)  My dream someday is to adopt or foster children but for now I am fully challenged and blessed with the two that we have.