A poem written years ago

Soon I will have a daughter

She will be born into an ocean of hatred

And I will spin around her creating a whirlpool of love.

I will teach her that she is a fairy and how to use her wings

to fly away from enemies and fly toward her dreams.

I will show her how to ignore the music around her and listen to the music within her.

There will be some who will try to crush her wings and smother her music.

I will help her build strong wings and tell her to sing loud. 

I wrote that poem years ago when my daughter was growing inside me and today I look back at it and tears fill my eyes as I realize just how true it turned out to be.  My daughter is 8 years old and just this past year she was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.   The line in the poem that get's me the most is about ignoring the music around her and listening to the music within her.  That is exactly what she does, but I never had to show her how, she has always been inside herself, giving the rest of us only glimpses of the magic within.

When I thought of having a daughter I imagined her snuggling with me for hours, having tea parties, going shopping together, wonderful conversations and giggling on a girls night out.  The reality didn't follow that plan.  At first it was not having a snuggly baby, then it was having an independent toddler.  When she was only 2 1/2 years old she told me to "go away" while she did her highly complicated puzzle.  There I was, shut out of her room, surprised, and confused.  I had expected toddlers to want their mothers around.  

At playgrounds she didn't play with the other children, she simply watched them from the highest point she could climb to and occasionally engaged near the end of our visit.  She didn't behave in a shy sort of way, there was no hiding behind my leg or refusing to say "hi."  She simply didn't care to engage in play with the other children.  She was happy alone in her world.  This continued on and is still true today although she has wanted "friends" more in the past two years.  

My daughter never wanted to go shopping with me, later we realized that she doesn't like transitions and shopping is nothing but a transition.  In the car, out of the car, in the store, drive to another store.  It overwhelmed and exhaust her so that by the time we finish she is feeling sick and almost in tears.   I tried fun things like getting a treat while we were out, letting her pick her own stuff, going to a fun store like Claire's.  Now I understand her better and instead we shop online or only plan for one store and make it quick.  

So many things I thought my life with her would look like are not at all what I expected.  Part of that makes me sad, but another part is very curious and ready to embrace the life that is emerging.  Getting the diagnosis was a good thing for me.  I feel like I have answers to questions I wasn't even sure how to ask.   We haven't told her yet but that will come soon.  I want to be in a grounded and centered place before I talk to her about it.  My hope is that through this blog I get to that place quicker.  I also hope it can be useful to other families with aspie daughters who happen to find my blog.  There is not a huge percentage of girls with Asperger's and I think it's great for us to find each other.  One thing I learned in all of this is that it presents differently in girls then it does boys and that leads us to more challenges in finding solutions and support.