Party like an Aspie

     A child going to a wedding is an instant target for being patted on the head and asked lots of small talk questions.  Generally, aside from the pat on the head I think most children like attention from adults.  However small talk and my daughter, not so much.  We were going to see lots of family that we hadn't seen in several years.  My daughter is nine now and I knew that she would be expected to make small talk.  She has been practicing conversation in her social skills group and I had no doubt that she could pull it off.  I also knew that for her, it was going to totally drain her of energy. 

   The wedding consisted of lots of pre-wedding festivities and post-wedding festivities.  My extroverted, neurotypical self was drained and exhuasted be the end of it.  However, I am getting ahead of myself. 
I am writing this for myself as a reflection, but also for others who might fear talking their aspie child to such huge events.   I believe we want to share our children with the family that we love, but we also want to protect them from being overwhelmed and drained, or having a meltdown and embarrassing us..  I have had events in the past where I believe my daughter suffered due to my lack of understanding of what she is going through.  Now that she is older and able to verbalize, and now that I have read books on Aspergers I have a better understanding of the struggles she has in these situations and so my hope was to give her just enough of the experience to gain some social skills but not so much that she overloaded.   I'm not sure if I was totally sucessful but I tried. 

   The first thing I did was explain what would be expected of her, and of my son.  I knew that the ceremony would be fairly easy for her as she has no trouble sitting and listening.  For my son, the sensory seeker we went over his list of compression activities that he could do and much to my delight he did them on his own, silently during the ceremony (I also bribed him with chocolate.) I am thankful it wasn't a Catholic wedding with a Mass!  It was nice and short and lovely. 

During the many parties and reception we stayed outside, despite the Texas heat.  The world isn't as overwhelming for my daughter outdoors.  She lasted much longer than she would have inside with voices echoing loudly off the walls and people bumping into her on every side.  We did however give her and my son a mission to have a short conversation with three people of their choosing before going off to play. 
After a good amount of time playing outside I could see the overloaded look in my daughters eyes.  This happend at two of the parties.  In both I searched out an empty room and quickly snuck her off to it.  Even being around me at that point is overwhelming and so she choose to be alone in the peaceful room.  One of the times she had a coloring book, the other just a pillow. 

   I think a couple years ago I would have felt too awkward sneaking my child off into a deserted room.  I would have left the party early, or dealt with a meltdown.  I have learned that I need to take care of my needs, and those of the rest of my family as well.  I wanted to stay at the party, and she needed space.  Although it's a bit unconventional it really was the best option.  It is what my child needed.  If I had a infant and asked for a silent place for my baby to nap nobody would have thought twice.  I had a few people ask where my daughter had went, and when I told them I got a couple looks of confusion, and a couple looks that seemed like that person would also like to escape from the loud chatter. 

We need to not be afraid to protect our children, but we also need to not be afraid to expose our children to things that are difficult for them.  Finding a balance is what they will need to do when they become adults, if we can give them a taste of that now it will be easier when it's their turn to lead. 

A poem written years ago

Soon I will have a daughter

She will be born into an ocean of hatred

And I will spin around her creating a whirlpool of love.

I will teach her that she is a fairy and how to use her wings

to fly away from enemies and fly toward her dreams.

I will show her how to ignore the music around her and listen to the music within her.

There will be some who will try to crush her wings and smother her music.

I will help her build strong wings and tell her to sing loud. 

I wrote that poem years ago when my daughter was growing inside me and today I look back at it and tears fill my eyes as I realize just how true it turned out to be.  My daughter is 8 years old and just this past year she was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.   The line in the poem that get's me the most is about ignoring the music around her and listening to the music within her.  That is exactly what she does, but I never had to show her how, she has always been inside herself, giving the rest of us only glimpses of the magic within.

When I thought of having a daughter I imagined her snuggling with me for hours, having tea parties, going shopping together, wonderful conversations and giggling on a girls night out.  The reality didn't follow that plan.  At first it was not having a snuggly baby, then it was having an independent toddler.  When she was only 2 1/2 years old she told me to "go away" while she did her highly complicated puzzle.  There I was, shut out of her room, surprised, and confused.  I had expected toddlers to want their mothers around.  

At playgrounds she didn't play with the other children, she simply watched them from the highest point she could climb to and occasionally engaged near the end of our visit.  She didn't behave in a shy sort of way, there was no hiding behind my leg or refusing to say "hi."  She simply didn't care to engage in play with the other children.  She was happy alone in her world.  This continued on and is still true today although she has wanted "friends" more in the past two years.  

My daughter never wanted to go shopping with me, later we realized that she doesn't like transitions and shopping is nothing but a transition.  In the car, out of the car, in the store, drive to another store.  It overwhelmed and exhaust her so that by the time we finish she is feeling sick and almost in tears.   I tried fun things like getting a treat while we were out, letting her pick her own stuff, going to a fun store like Claire's.  Now I understand her better and instead we shop online or only plan for one store and make it quick.  

So many things I thought my life with her would look like are not at all what I expected.  Part of that makes me sad, but another part is very curious and ready to embrace the life that is emerging.  Getting the diagnosis was a good thing for me.  I feel like I have answers to questions I wasn't even sure how to ask.   We haven't told her yet but that will come soon.  I want to be in a grounded and centered place before I talk to her about it.  My hope is that through this blog I get to that place quicker.  I also hope it can be useful to other families with aspie daughters who happen to find my blog.  There is not a huge percentage of girls with Asperger's and I think it's great for us to find each other.  One thing I learned in all of this is that it presents differently in girls then it does boys and that leads us to more challenges in finding solutions and support.