Staring at the sky

Recently I chaperoned my daughters 5th grade overnight field trip.  We hiked into a beautiful ancient forest and stayed off the grid in cabins surrounded by flowing water and 1,000 year old trees.   I had been looking forward to the trip from the moment I got word of it because in the forest is where I feel most at home.  

When we arrived we had to hike in about 3 miles, with backpacks, and 20 some children.  About 10 minutes into the hike reality hit me, this might not be the most refreshing trip for me.  Meltdowns began to happen, specifically with my child.  See, being in a tiny car for two hours, packed in the back seat with two extremely chatty girls, well that got my girl overstimulated. I figured that once she was out of the car she could calm down with the nature setting.  Nothing calms me down more than walking through the forest. However I soon discovered that if you notice every detail of every leaf, moss, mushroom, rock, dirt, and who knows what else... you can't turn it off.  It's exhausting to be walking at a fast pace through this environment.  There is so much more color and things to notice then our typical urban landscape.  She tried strategies like only staring at the backpack of the person in front of us..  They didn't work, it was too much for her.

Now, everyone is carrying their backpack and so I had it in my mind that she MUST carry her backpack too, but about half way through the hike I thought, why?  If this environment is so daunting on her senses, does she really need the physical stimulus of a backpack as well?   I decided no, that I could carry the backpack and maybe we would even enjoy ourselves a little more the rest of the way.  I was right, but one more thing.  Tony Attwood taught me that when somebody is overloaded, and you can't leave the situation the best thing to do is talk to them about their special interest, or rather let them talk to you about it.  So, I may have asked what the most interesting thing she learned from her Harry Potter secrets book was.  Sure enough, distracted  kid hiking at a good pace in record time.   

We finally got to the cabin and it was loud but I as so proud of my girl.  She found herself spaces that were more silent, she excused herself when needed, she took care of herself without my prompting.  It was awesome! I'm glad she finally feels confident enough to advocate for herself and get what she needs.   For so long I have been doing this because she had been to timid or unaware that others weren't also totally overloaded.  

There was one magical moment for us when went on a night hike with the class.  Walking into the forest with our flashlights and curiosity.  After going for awhile our guide said, "now turn off the lights and look up."  There was the amazing sky, it was glittering and full of dreams and beauty.  I felt like I could get lost in it.  My daughter came over and hugged me, and we just hugged and stared at the sky. Being that she is a sensory avoider, I don't get many hugs from her so this was a very special moment for us.    For that moment she was just my daughter, she wasn't someone I needed to look out for.  I wasn't on alert for signs of a meltdown.  I wasn't assessing the situation for triggers.  I was just holding my daughter and staring at the sky.  This both made me extremely happy and also sad.  How often am I in alert mode vs enjoying my daughter mode?   She has proven that she can advocate for herself and I think it was a realization to me that I need to turn off alert mode a lot more and have her be just my 10 year old girl, not my sensitive girl.   Awareness is fine, acceptance is great, but way less alert is a wonderful idea.  

Party like an Aspie

     A child going to a wedding is an instant target for being patted on the head and asked lots of small talk questions.  Generally, aside from the pat on the head I think most children like attention from adults.  However small talk and my daughter, not so much.  We were going to see lots of family that we hadn't seen in several years.  My daughter is nine now and I knew that she would be expected to make small talk.  She has been practicing conversation in her social skills group and I had no doubt that she could pull it off.  I also knew that for her, it was going to totally drain her of energy. 

   The wedding consisted of lots of pre-wedding festivities and post-wedding festivities.  My extroverted, neurotypical self was drained and exhuasted be the end of it.  However, I am getting ahead of myself. 
I am writing this for myself as a reflection, but also for others who might fear talking their aspie child to such huge events.   I believe we want to share our children with the family that we love, but we also want to protect them from being overwhelmed and drained, or having a meltdown and embarrassing us..  I have had events in the past where I believe my daughter suffered due to my lack of understanding of what she is going through.  Now that she is older and able to verbalize, and now that I have read books on Aspergers I have a better understanding of the struggles she has in these situations and so my hope was to give her just enough of the experience to gain some social skills but not so much that she overloaded.   I'm not sure if I was totally sucessful but I tried. 

   The first thing I did was explain what would be expected of her, and of my son.  I knew that the ceremony would be fairly easy for her as she has no trouble sitting and listening.  For my son, the sensory seeker we went over his list of compression activities that he could do and much to my delight he did them on his own, silently during the ceremony (I also bribed him with chocolate.) I am thankful it wasn't a Catholic wedding with a Mass!  It was nice and short and lovely. 

During the many parties and reception we stayed outside, despite the Texas heat.  The world isn't as overwhelming for my daughter outdoors.  She lasted much longer than she would have inside with voices echoing loudly off the walls and people bumping into her on every side.  We did however give her and my son a mission to have a short conversation with three people of their choosing before going off to play. 
After a good amount of time playing outside I could see the overloaded look in my daughters eyes.  This happend at two of the parties.  In both I searched out an empty room and quickly snuck her off to it.  Even being around me at that point is overwhelming and so she choose to be alone in the peaceful room.  One of the times she had a coloring book, the other just a pillow. 

   I think a couple years ago I would have felt too awkward sneaking my child off into a deserted room.  I would have left the party early, or dealt with a meltdown.  I have learned that I need to take care of my needs, and those of the rest of my family as well.  I wanted to stay at the party, and she needed space.  Although it's a bit unconventional it really was the best option.  It is what my child needed.  If I had a infant and asked for a silent place for my baby to nap nobody would have thought twice.  I had a few people ask where my daughter had went, and when I told them I got a couple looks of confusion, and a couple looks that seemed like that person would also like to escape from the loud chatter. 

We need to not be afraid to protect our children, but we also need to not be afraid to expose our children to things that are difficult for them.  Finding a balance is what they will need to do when they become adults, if we can give them a taste of that now it will be easier when it's their turn to lead.