We are all here to teach each other something. Each one of us has a lesson (many lessons probably) that we will teach others, unknowingly just by being ourselves. Watching my children this morning reminded me of that. My children are opposites, a girl and a boy, a sensory sensitive, and a sensory seeker, introvert, extrovert. This is not by accident. They have been placed with each other, in our family for a very clear purpose (if you ask me, and since it's my blog ...) They are preparing each other for the world, so that when they step away from the safety of our family they will be ready for those who are different than them, and be able to show them love, even if they don't understand them.
I tell my children, that they must love each other. They do not have to like each other at times, but they must always LOVE one another, no matter what. Also, they have to love everyone else, but it all starts at home, loving each other despite the fact that they are each others biggest challenges most of the time.
So today, the lesson was being close to people. My daughter craves personal space and becomes overwhelmed and exhausted and sometimes even in pain when people are too close to her. A tiny bump feels like a great assult. In life, we sometimes must be in a crowd, and people are clumsy and bump into you. So, in her home is the younger brother who's body doesn't feel as much (hyposensitive) so he craves bumping into people, and squishing into them, and being as close and in your face as possible. According to her he was bumping more than usual and really getting in her face. She gave me this complaint as "Mom, he is doing that thing AGAIN, a lot more than normal." I reminded her that he has a reason for doing "that thing" and that I would remind him to tone it down. "Just as you need space, he needs closeness, you both need to work on a balance." The speech I have given one thousand times, but they are both starting to be more gentle with each other when it is a problem.
From each other they are learning tolerance and awareness. My daughter is learning to tolerate some of her brother's need for contact, and my son is learning to be aware and respectful of her need for space. He is helping her be able to stand in a crowded room and she is helping him no how to hold back so he doesn't overwhelm everyone he meets. They both struggle to give each other the things they need and also protect what they need. It's a dance, a delicate dance that I am so happy they are learning as children.
I had to learn this as a married adult living with a introvert much like my daughter, it took me years and sometimes I fall backwards and overload my husband. Sometimes I forget to push him just a little and feel depleted of the closeness that I crave. My husband and I learn from each other, just as our children learn from each other. The way we are as individuals and the fact that we are a family this is not at all by mistake, and we shouldn't give up on people just because they make us uncomfortable. We need to see those different then us as teachers here to help us grow into the people we were meant to be. Some of their lessons will be easy and some of them might shake us, but the more we show up and try the better we will become.
A glimpse of my journey in mothering and whatever else stumbles out of my head.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Open Ears, Open Hearts
We must all support each other, with listening ears, with our time, with encouragement. I just read the blog over at Momastery and it brought me to tears. Now, if you go read it today you may think I am nutty and not cry at all, but it touched me deeply. I had a very emotional day yesterday as my daughter had her medical evaluation and so maybe that is why, but the thing I heard from Glennon's blog most loud was LISTENING. Listening is something that we don't do enough of. Especially if it's something we don't agree with. We are so quick to tune out or talk over the thing we don't want to hear. We must listen though, it's how we grow, and how we show respect to our fellow humans.
Listening was huge for me two days ago. My daughter was about to have her official evaluation that would give access to services that can help her and get them covered by insurance. (Her pediatrician and a psychologist had agreed with me but it wasn't official yet). I have heard that this process can sometimes turn into a mess if the child is having a "good day" and acts "normal." The evaluation appointment took months to get, is very expensive, (thankfully our insurance covered it) and lasts an entire day long. (The results were that I am not crazy and it is indeed Aspergers/Autism Spectrum Disorder)
I was anxious and I needed someone to listen. I prayed, and that did help. I quoted bible verses in my head anytime a little voice came in that said "you are crazy and wrong." but I also needed human interaction and someone who had been through it before to hear me and encourage me. I am lucky to be part of an online yahoo group. I sent out an email on my worries and situation and then listened (well, ok read) but they also encouraged and really helped me feel less alone, and less crazy.
If you are from that group and reading this, especially if you responded I want to say Thank you!!!
We need listeners in our life! We also need to be listeners and I hope that I don't turn away when someone is needing me to listen. Everyone is going through something and we shouldn't have to go it alone. I have my Jesus, but even he had his disciples around him. We were meant to support each other with love and open ears.
Listening was huge for me two days ago. My daughter was about to have her official evaluation that would give access to services that can help her and get them covered by insurance. (Her pediatrician and a psychologist had agreed with me but it wasn't official yet). I have heard that this process can sometimes turn into a mess if the child is having a "good day" and acts "normal." The evaluation appointment took months to get, is very expensive, (thankfully our insurance covered it) and lasts an entire day long. (The results were that I am not crazy and it is indeed Aspergers/Autism Spectrum Disorder)
I was anxious and I needed someone to listen. I prayed, and that did help. I quoted bible verses in my head anytime a little voice came in that said "you are crazy and wrong." but I also needed human interaction and someone who had been through it before to hear me and encourage me. I am lucky to be part of an online yahoo group. I sent out an email on my worries and situation and then listened (well, ok read) but they also encouraged and really helped me feel less alone, and less crazy.
If you are from that group and reading this, especially if you responded I want to say Thank you!!!
We need listeners in our life! We also need to be listeners and I hope that I don't turn away when someone is needing me to listen. Everyone is going through something and we shouldn't have to go it alone. I have my Jesus, but even he had his disciples around him. We were meant to support each other with love and open ears.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Party like an Aspie
A child going to a wedding is an instant target for being patted on the head and asked lots of small talk questions. Generally, aside from the pat on the head I think most children like attention from adults. However small talk and my daughter, not so much. We were going to see lots of family that we hadn't seen in several years. My daughter is nine now and I knew that she would be expected to make small talk. She has been practicing conversation in her social skills group and I had no doubt that she could pull it off. I also knew that for her, it was going to totally drain her of energy.
The wedding consisted of lots of pre-wedding festivities and post-wedding festivities. My extroverted, neurotypical self was drained and exhuasted be the end of it. However, I am getting ahead of myself.
I am writing this for myself as a reflection, but also for others who might fear talking their aspie child to such huge events. I believe we want to share our children with the family that we love, but we also want to protect them from being overwhelmed and drained, or having a meltdown and embarrassing us.. I have had events in the past where I believe my daughter suffered due to my lack of understanding of what she is going through. Now that she is older and able to verbalize, and now that I have read books on Aspergers I have a better understanding of the struggles she has in these situations and so my hope was to give her just enough of the experience to gain some social skills but not so much that she overloaded. I'm not sure if I was totally sucessful but I tried.
The first thing I did was explain what would be expected of her, and of my son. I knew that the ceremony would be fairly easy for her as she has no trouble sitting and listening. For my son, the sensory seeker we went over his list of compression activities that he could do and much to my delight he did them on his own, silently during the ceremony (I also bribed him with chocolate.) I am thankful it wasn't a Catholic wedding with a Mass! It was nice and short and lovely.
During the many parties and reception we stayed outside, despite the Texas heat. The world isn't as overwhelming for my daughter outdoors. She lasted much longer than she would have inside with voices echoing loudly off the walls and people bumping into her on every side. We did however give her and my son a mission to have a short conversation with three people of their choosing before going off to play.
After a good amount of time playing outside I could see the overloaded look in my daughters eyes. This happend at two of the parties. In both I searched out an empty room and quickly snuck her off to it. Even being around me at that point is overwhelming and so she choose to be alone in the peaceful room. One of the times she had a coloring book, the other just a pillow.
I think a couple years ago I would have felt too awkward sneaking my child off into a deserted room. I would have left the party early, or dealt with a meltdown. I have learned that I need to take care of my needs, and those of the rest of my family as well. I wanted to stay at the party, and she needed space. Although it's a bit unconventional it really was the best option. It is what my child needed. If I had a infant and asked for a silent place for my baby to nap nobody would have thought twice. I had a few people ask where my daughter had went, and when I told them I got a couple looks of confusion, and a couple looks that seemed like that person would also like to escape from the loud chatter.
We need to not be afraid to protect our children, but we also need to not be afraid to expose our children to things that are difficult for them. Finding a balance is what they will need to do when they become adults, if we can give them a taste of that now it will be easier when it's their turn to lead.
The wedding consisted of lots of pre-wedding festivities and post-wedding festivities. My extroverted, neurotypical self was drained and exhuasted be the end of it. However, I am getting ahead of myself.
I am writing this for myself as a reflection, but also for others who might fear talking their aspie child to such huge events. I believe we want to share our children with the family that we love, but we also want to protect them from being overwhelmed and drained, or having a meltdown and embarrassing us.. I have had events in the past where I believe my daughter suffered due to my lack of understanding of what she is going through. Now that she is older and able to verbalize, and now that I have read books on Aspergers I have a better understanding of the struggles she has in these situations and so my hope was to give her just enough of the experience to gain some social skills but not so much that she overloaded. I'm not sure if I was totally sucessful but I tried.
The first thing I did was explain what would be expected of her, and of my son. I knew that the ceremony would be fairly easy for her as she has no trouble sitting and listening. For my son, the sensory seeker we went over his list of compression activities that he could do and much to my delight he did them on his own, silently during the ceremony (I also bribed him with chocolate.) I am thankful it wasn't a Catholic wedding with a Mass! It was nice and short and lovely.
During the many parties and reception we stayed outside, despite the Texas heat. The world isn't as overwhelming for my daughter outdoors. She lasted much longer than she would have inside with voices echoing loudly off the walls and people bumping into her on every side. We did however give her and my son a mission to have a short conversation with three people of their choosing before going off to play.
After a good amount of time playing outside I could see the overloaded look in my daughters eyes. This happend at two of the parties. In both I searched out an empty room and quickly snuck her off to it. Even being around me at that point is overwhelming and so she choose to be alone in the peaceful room. One of the times she had a coloring book, the other just a pillow.
I think a couple years ago I would have felt too awkward sneaking my child off into a deserted room. I would have left the party early, or dealt with a meltdown. I have learned that I need to take care of my needs, and those of the rest of my family as well. I wanted to stay at the party, and she needed space. Although it's a bit unconventional it really was the best option. It is what my child needed. If I had a infant and asked for a silent place for my baby to nap nobody would have thought twice. I had a few people ask where my daughter had went, and when I told them I got a couple looks of confusion, and a couple looks that seemed like that person would also like to escape from the loud chatter.
We need to not be afraid to protect our children, but we also need to not be afraid to expose our children to things that are difficult for them. Finding a balance is what they will need to do when they become adults, if we can give them a taste of that now it will be easier when it's their turn to lead.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Epic Summer Journey
I am very much a follow your heart, let intuition lead you, and go with the flow kind of gal. If it was up to me there would be no clocks. I hate lists and I despise schedules. Impulsive... I LOVE being impulsive.
(Sorry to my Aspie readers, but that is just who I am.)
So, when my family and I made the decision to make a major road trip, driving from Oregon, to Texas, then to Lego Land, and back home a huge part of me wanted to just wing it.
For weeks my dear husband asked me if I had a list, of course I did...it was dancing in my head right now and I was pretty sure everything was on it or about to be on it soon. Next thing I knew my daughter had gleefully made a complete list of what she needed to pack (three weeks before the trip.) and was walking around her room checking things off and looking very satisfied.
Since I am also the kind of gal who loses things VERY easily I decided that if I must make a list it would be a google spreadsheet. I made the list, my husband was now calm and happy. But I knew that the list wasn't enough. So much more planning needed to happen to make sure my family flourished on our epic journey.
Somehow I landed in a family of list makers and schedule lovers. Maybe it was God's little way of pushing me to get my act together. Whatever the case, I got my act so together for this trip that I even got the complement "you are such an amazing planner." I just laughed and laughed, but it was true. I kinda kicked butt on planning the trip.
Thanks to my son's OT I got lots of tips on figit things to provide. Thanks to pinterest and www.momsminivan.com I got amazing games for the kids. I made folders for each of them with bingo cards, scavenger hunts, a map coloring book, comic books, and even a homemade eye spy game. I planned to reveal prizes (OT figit suggestions) every couple hundred miles.
I made long pillows full of rice that looked like caterpillars so the kids could have some deep pressure. I hung a shoe storage bag on the back of each front seat so the kids could easlily reach all there stuff and keep it...ORGANIZED!
I booked hotels in advance with swimming pools, and I talked them through what the trip would be like in advance.
All of this went against my instict, but it was all done with love and the amazing thing that happened...
the trip went wonderful. They were happy, excited, rarely bored, and enjoyed the trip. I enjoyed the trip, my husband enjoyed the trip. Our family drove over 5,000 miles and we still love each other, not only that but we had fun together.
Now, a little honesty here. We did allow digital games after 1pm each day, and we did listen to a TON of Radio Lab.
More on the trip soon...
(Sorry to my Aspie readers, but that is just who I am.)
So, when my family and I made the decision to make a major road trip, driving from Oregon, to Texas, then to Lego Land, and back home a huge part of me wanted to just wing it.
For weeks my dear husband asked me if I had a list, of course I did...it was dancing in my head right now and I was pretty sure everything was on it or about to be on it soon. Next thing I knew my daughter had gleefully made a complete list of what she needed to pack (three weeks before the trip.) and was walking around her room checking things off and looking very satisfied.
Since I am also the kind of gal who loses things VERY easily I decided that if I must make a list it would be a google spreadsheet. I made the list, my husband was now calm and happy. But I knew that the list wasn't enough. So much more planning needed to happen to make sure my family flourished on our epic journey.
Somehow I landed in a family of list makers and schedule lovers. Maybe it was God's little way of pushing me to get my act together. Whatever the case, I got my act so together for this trip that I even got the complement "you are such an amazing planner." I just laughed and laughed, but it was true. I kinda kicked butt on planning the trip.
Thanks to my son's OT I got lots of tips on figit things to provide. Thanks to pinterest and www.momsminivan.com I got amazing games for the kids. I made folders for each of them with bingo cards, scavenger hunts, a map coloring book, comic books, and even a homemade eye spy game. I planned to reveal prizes (OT figit suggestions) every couple hundred miles.
I made long pillows full of rice that looked like caterpillars so the kids could have some deep pressure. I hung a shoe storage bag on the back of each front seat so the kids could easlily reach all there stuff and keep it...ORGANIZED!
I booked hotels in advance with swimming pools, and I talked them through what the trip would be like in advance.
All of this went against my instict, but it was all done with love and the amazing thing that happened...
the trip went wonderful. They were happy, excited, rarely bored, and enjoyed the trip. I enjoyed the trip, my husband enjoyed the trip. Our family drove over 5,000 miles and we still love each other, not only that but we had fun together.
Now, a little honesty here. We did allow digital games after 1pm each day, and we did listen to a TON of Radio Lab.
More on the trip soon...
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wanted: A True Friend
Qualifications: Must be patient, kind, say what you mean, and avoid gossip. It would be nice if you also enjoy discussing Harry Potter, and dislike American Girl Dolls.
There, can I post that ad at my daughter's school and see if I get any responses?
This year of school (3rd grade) is breaking my heart. It's breaking her heart even more, and I am not sure that is even possible because my heart is being ripped in two and then put through a shredder. She started the year off with a great friend, a true friend. He still is a friend, but now it's only after school and maybe once a week because, he is a boy and this is the year that boys and girls tend to separate. She would gladly follow him anywhere, but he is too busy being a boy and rolling in the mud.
So now she is left with the girls, and frankly, girls are mean. When you are a girl with aspergers they seem even meaner. They don't say what they mean, they whisper and stare (at everyone) but when you are already prone to anxiety and paranoia it seems to be targeted at you, and hey, you are a little quirky so MAYBE it is targeted at you. You can try to talk to them but the topics are boring and trivial. They don't have the same interest as you. They like to jump rope and play four square and you are clumsy and awkward so you always lose and then once again it seems like they are targeting you. It just plan sucks! (and I hate using that word, but I just can't find a better one to use.)
My daughter has been at this school since Kindergarten. I love the school, the teachers are great, flexible, and supportive. The school motto is something like "teaching the whole child, heart, hands, head." or some other waldorfy thing. They have things like Peace tables for conflict resolution, anti-bully policies, an amazing school counselor, a great arts integrated curriculum. From the outside it looks perfect. But tonight my sweet girl told me she felt like she didn't belong, like she wasn't a part of the school and that she had nobody. I have to say, from her description of life at school I have to agree. We are plugging her into every helpful thing we can, social group outside of school, social lunch with girls and a counselor at school, a peer buddy (this is new and I am still hoping it works.) but she is still lonely and disconnected.
The school has small class sizes, one class per grade. I used to think that was a good thing but tonight I am not so sure. Tonight I wonder if we didn't narrow down her choices for friends far too much by going with the smaller school. Sure, a big school is over stimulation and full of all kinds of crap, but maybe she would have a better chance of finding a friend? I keep praying every year that some strange nerdy girl will show up as a new student and they will be BFF's 4 EVER but it's not in the cards.
There are five weeks of school left, I told her to stick it out, keep trying the new peer buddy thing. Her assigned peer buddy really does seem like a sweet girl. The peer buddy also likes playing with the other girls though, and so that is what she does with her free time and my daughter doesn't want to participate either because she isn't interested in the game, or because she has been burned before. Most likely, both.
I tell her that I got made fun of, that her dad got made fun of, that every adult she admires got made fun of and it's because we are amazing people and something in other people wants to crush that. I tell her she is special, that God made her, that she belongs in our church, she belongs in our family, she is loved. She knows this, but it doesn't help. Not tonight, tonight she doesn't belong in school and for a nine year old that is the biggest thing in the world. So I keep praying, send a friend, send a friend, PLEASE Jesus send a friend. The back of my head says, think how strong this young lady will be when she is a woman. All the women I know who are strong had a similar childhood. That thought though, it's not very loud because I am her mother and I just want her to have a friend.
Other thoughts: Take her out of school and home school, switch schools, run away to costa rica with the whole family and be happy island people. Oh, I have had ALL those thoughts and cycle through them from time to time. Home School is a great option for some kids, but my kid only believes and listens to things taught by people who SHE determines to be experts on the subject. I am only an expert on childbirth (I am a doula) and being silly. My husband is an expert on electronic things, and cooking. So, you will see we have left math, reading, writing, social studies, and so on (homework is hell by the way.) This means that academic school would be the worst uphill battle known to man. I'm not going there! I want our family to be a safe, happy place of love. Home school for us would end that immediately.
Switch schools, this one is more often coming to mind these days. The truth is that mean kids are everywhere, and from stories I hear not every school has the support that ours does. She trusts the teachers, she hates transitions and knows this place, even if right now it's not her favorite.
Island people, ah..... let me just think on that for a moment. It was rather cold today.
There, can I post that ad at my daughter's school and see if I get any responses?
This year of school (3rd grade) is breaking my heart. It's breaking her heart even more, and I am not sure that is even possible because my heart is being ripped in two and then put through a shredder. She started the year off with a great friend, a true friend. He still is a friend, but now it's only after school and maybe once a week because, he is a boy and this is the year that boys and girls tend to separate. She would gladly follow him anywhere, but he is too busy being a boy and rolling in the mud.
So now she is left with the girls, and frankly, girls are mean. When you are a girl with aspergers they seem even meaner. They don't say what they mean, they whisper and stare (at everyone) but when you are already prone to anxiety and paranoia it seems to be targeted at you, and hey, you are a little quirky so MAYBE it is targeted at you. You can try to talk to them but the topics are boring and trivial. They don't have the same interest as you. They like to jump rope and play four square and you are clumsy and awkward so you always lose and then once again it seems like they are targeting you. It just plan sucks! (and I hate using that word, but I just can't find a better one to use.)
My daughter has been at this school since Kindergarten. I love the school, the teachers are great, flexible, and supportive. The school motto is something like "teaching the whole child, heart, hands, head." or some other waldorfy thing. They have things like Peace tables for conflict resolution, anti-bully policies, an amazing school counselor, a great arts integrated curriculum. From the outside it looks perfect. But tonight my sweet girl told me she felt like she didn't belong, like she wasn't a part of the school and that she had nobody. I have to say, from her description of life at school I have to agree. We are plugging her into every helpful thing we can, social group outside of school, social lunch with girls and a counselor at school, a peer buddy (this is new and I am still hoping it works.) but she is still lonely and disconnected.
The school has small class sizes, one class per grade. I used to think that was a good thing but tonight I am not so sure. Tonight I wonder if we didn't narrow down her choices for friends far too much by going with the smaller school. Sure, a big school is over stimulation and full of all kinds of crap, but maybe she would have a better chance of finding a friend? I keep praying every year that some strange nerdy girl will show up as a new student and they will be BFF's 4 EVER but it's not in the cards.
There are five weeks of school left, I told her to stick it out, keep trying the new peer buddy thing. Her assigned peer buddy really does seem like a sweet girl. The peer buddy also likes playing with the other girls though, and so that is what she does with her free time and my daughter doesn't want to participate either because she isn't interested in the game, or because she has been burned before. Most likely, both.
I tell her that I got made fun of, that her dad got made fun of, that every adult she admires got made fun of and it's because we are amazing people and something in other people wants to crush that. I tell her she is special, that God made her, that she belongs in our church, she belongs in our family, she is loved. She knows this, but it doesn't help. Not tonight, tonight she doesn't belong in school and for a nine year old that is the biggest thing in the world. So I keep praying, send a friend, send a friend, PLEASE Jesus send a friend. The back of my head says, think how strong this young lady will be when she is a woman. All the women I know who are strong had a similar childhood. That thought though, it's not very loud because I am her mother and I just want her to have a friend.
Other thoughts: Take her out of school and home school, switch schools, run away to costa rica with the whole family and be happy island people. Oh, I have had ALL those thoughts and cycle through them from time to time. Home School is a great option for some kids, but my kid only believes and listens to things taught by people who SHE determines to be experts on the subject. I am only an expert on childbirth (I am a doula) and being silly. My husband is an expert on electronic things, and cooking. So, you will see we have left math, reading, writing, social studies, and so on (homework is hell by the way.) This means that academic school would be the worst uphill battle known to man. I'm not going there! I want our family to be a safe, happy place of love. Home school for us would end that immediately.
Switch schools, this one is more often coming to mind these days. The truth is that mean kids are everywhere, and from stories I hear not every school has the support that ours does. She trusts the teachers, she hates transitions and knows this place, even if right now it's not her favorite.
Island people, ah..... let me just think on that for a moment. It was rather cold today.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Hammock Guilt
Recently, the mega million lottery was up to 50 million or 500 million or something ridiculously huge that would allow the winner to buy pretty much whatever they wanted. I didn't bother buying a ticket but I did play the What If game with my family. My first thought was that I would start an orphanage or help my church, perhaps buy a building with a roof that didn't leak for my children's school. My husband looked at me and asked, but what about for you? What would you buy? My answer was instant. I would buy a hammock. That's it, I just want a hammock. I love hammocks, I have always wanted one. Once I bought one for about 10 dollars in Mexico. I never had a place to hang it. It got dragged around from apartment to apartment a sad tangled mess waiting for a place to hang. Finally I gave up my hammock dream and it went in the garage sale pile. Now I live in a yard with no good trees, the hammock stand seems to me a bit fake, or so I tell myself because that ads an extra price to the entire thing.
Really though, are they THAT expensive? I could get one for 100 dollars with a stand on amazon. I just checked. So, what really is my reason for not getting one. I think it's because it would feel selfish. After all, what is a hammock for? It is for relaxing, being lazy, reading a book all day long, taking a nap. Buying one is like announcing to the world "I DESERVE A BREAK! I AM TAKING A BREAK!" (Also, I live in Oregon, it rains like all the time. So not practical) Not to mention I would be spending 100 bucks on myself. Some women have no trouble at all buying themselves something that cost over 10 dollars. If that is you don't feel bad, I wish I could let go of that feeling of guilt, of unworthiness. My husband is the main money maker so maybe that is why. He would never care, he encourages me to get myself things. But that guilt, it's there no matter what. Recently though I discovered, while doing the taxes that he had spent quite a bit of money on video games. Now, it wash;t a big secret, and really I didn't care all all. He works hard, and totally deserves it, but to think that he can do that and I can't make myself buy a freakin hammock!?
Now, here is the kicker, my son is in Occupational Therapy for sensory integration issues (that is another story) but his favorite OT activity is a lycra hammock. When he gets to rocking back and forth it brings him down to a good level of energy and he can focus better. So, of course I start looking at the thing, googling the price (500 bucks! REALLY?!) and figuring out how I might make one myself. All within an hour I am planning how to get a hammock for my son, so he can relax, so he can focus, and find a calm in himself.
Why can I do this for him so easily, why is his focus and his calm more valuable than my own to me? I don't think this was the way we were meant to be wired as mothers. I know that when I am calm my children are calm. The days when I am out of control it's obvious that they are effected. What if I put my calm slightly ahead in the family priority list, or at least at the same level? I wonder if that would balance everyone else just a bit more and make for happier days? It could be worth a try if I can ditch the guilt and order the stupid hammock. Plus a stand of course...because of my lack of trees.
Mamas, we must remember this lesson. Our calm has value, our calm has influence on everyone else in our home. Our calm must be protected. Our calm must be given opportunity to grow.
Really though, are they THAT expensive? I could get one for 100 dollars with a stand on amazon. I just checked. So, what really is my reason for not getting one. I think it's because it would feel selfish. After all, what is a hammock for? It is for relaxing, being lazy, reading a book all day long, taking a nap. Buying one is like announcing to the world "I DESERVE A BREAK! I AM TAKING A BREAK!" (Also, I live in Oregon, it rains like all the time. So not practical) Not to mention I would be spending 100 bucks on myself. Some women have no trouble at all buying themselves something that cost over 10 dollars. If that is you don't feel bad, I wish I could let go of that feeling of guilt, of unworthiness. My husband is the main money maker so maybe that is why. He would never care, he encourages me to get myself things. But that guilt, it's there no matter what. Recently though I discovered, while doing the taxes that he had spent quite a bit of money on video games. Now, it wash;t a big secret, and really I didn't care all all. He works hard, and totally deserves it, but to think that he can do that and I can't make myself buy a freakin hammock!?
Now, here is the kicker, my son is in Occupational Therapy for sensory integration issues (that is another story) but his favorite OT activity is a lycra hammock. When he gets to rocking back and forth it brings him down to a good level of energy and he can focus better. So, of course I start looking at the thing, googling the price (500 bucks! REALLY?!) and figuring out how I might make one myself. All within an hour I am planning how to get a hammock for my son, so he can relax, so he can focus, and find a calm in himself.
Why can I do this for him so easily, why is his focus and his calm more valuable than my own to me? I don't think this was the way we were meant to be wired as mothers. I know that when I am calm my children are calm. The days when I am out of control it's obvious that they are effected. What if I put my calm slightly ahead in the family priority list, or at least at the same level? I wonder if that would balance everyone else just a bit more and make for happier days? It could be worth a try if I can ditch the guilt and order the stupid hammock. Plus a stand of course...because of my lack of trees.
Mamas, we must remember this lesson. Our calm has value, our calm has influence on everyone else in our home. Our calm must be protected. Our calm must be given opportunity to grow.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Often times I am totally worn down, I am tired, and I also feel like I am juggling, no, more like tightrope walking, or maybe fire dancing or perhaps riding a motorcycle in a cage with my husband on the other bike while the kids are standing in the middle. Something that takes effort, concentration, planning, but also has enjoyment and thrill. Something that could go horribly wrong at any second.
That is how I feel preparing to go to the store with my kids, especially if I have more than one place to go. How I feel when we are going to have kids come to our house to play, or a dreaded, but also happily anticipated Birthday party invitation. The worst is when it isn't planned, like if I am picking the kids up from school and realize I must stop and buy X ingredient for dinner or we have nothing to eat. The fire dance begins and I have to pray I don't miss a move, and that I set everything up as best as I could for success.
It's all a fire dance and on a lot of days it goes just fine, but when it doesn't...LOOKOUT!
When it does go fine though, people on the outside don't realize all the preparation that has been done. Like watching a circus, it looks so easy, effortless even. I am feeling a bit silly this week though, because I do work hard to produce smooth days and then I will get a compliment about how kind and sweet my daughter is. Now, this feels good to hear, great even! But something inside me is screaming YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! or "That is because we went over a list of rules and practiced a script before we came to this party and we will be leaving the moment things turn sour, but before you notice."
Of course, I don't say these things. I say "Thank you." Because I know that these people mean well, and really do truly think my daughter is wonderful, and because they are right. She is sweet, and kind, she is amazing. I think it's human nature to want recognition for the things that we do. If we clean the kitchen we want somebody to notice how sparkly it is. If we prepare a big meal that took 4 hours to make, we want people to know how long we worked.
I have read about parents of children with Aspergers saying that they almost wish there child had a wheelchair so that everyone would know how hard they are working. Because a wheelchair, or other physical disability is obvious, it's in your face, people know you are challenged daily. They might even ask how they can help you, bring a meal over, or pray for you. Personally, I haven't wished my daughter had a more obvious challenge, I do see where they are coming from though. I have a friend who's son is the same age as my daughter. He has been fighting for his life for nine years, he cannot talk, and he is in a wheelchair. My friend has been fighting right with him. When I think about my friend and her son I feel totally stupid and petty for my desire for people to know I am tired and working hard. How blessed I am that my daughter can talk, and walk and how dare I feel this way. Yet, these feelings still come up, and I will keep trying to push them away,
That is how I feel preparing to go to the store with my kids, especially if I have more than one place to go. How I feel when we are going to have kids come to our house to play, or a dreaded, but also happily anticipated Birthday party invitation. The worst is when it isn't planned, like if I am picking the kids up from school and realize I must stop and buy X ingredient for dinner or we have nothing to eat. The fire dance begins and I have to pray I don't miss a move, and that I set everything up as best as I could for success.
It's all a fire dance and on a lot of days it goes just fine, but when it doesn't...LOOKOUT!
When it does go fine though, people on the outside don't realize all the preparation that has been done. Like watching a circus, it looks so easy, effortless even. I am feeling a bit silly this week though, because I do work hard to produce smooth days and then I will get a compliment about how kind and sweet my daughter is. Now, this feels good to hear, great even! But something inside me is screaming YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! or "That is because we went over a list of rules and practiced a script before we came to this party and we will be leaving the moment things turn sour, but before you notice."
Of course, I don't say these things. I say "Thank you." Because I know that these people mean well, and really do truly think my daughter is wonderful, and because they are right. She is sweet, and kind, she is amazing. I think it's human nature to want recognition for the things that we do. If we clean the kitchen we want somebody to notice how sparkly it is. If we prepare a big meal that took 4 hours to make, we want people to know how long we worked.
I have read about parents of children with Aspergers saying that they almost wish there child had a wheelchair so that everyone would know how hard they are working. Because a wheelchair, or other physical disability is obvious, it's in your face, people know you are challenged daily. They might even ask how they can help you, bring a meal over, or pray for you. Personally, I haven't wished my daughter had a more obvious challenge, I do see where they are coming from though. I have a friend who's son is the same age as my daughter. He has been fighting for his life for nine years, he cannot talk, and he is in a wheelchair. My friend has been fighting right with him. When I think about my friend and her son I feel totally stupid and petty for my desire for people to know I am tired and working hard. How blessed I am that my daughter can talk, and walk and how dare I feel this way. Yet, these feelings still come up, and I will keep trying to push them away,
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